Style Matters: Inventory Reflection Paper Assignment Instructions Overview Understanding your default approach to conflict will help you understand and identify your own behav

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YOUR PREFERRED STYLE: We pay greater attention here to your numbers in Storm rather than calm, as Storm is when emotions are high and strengths and weaknesses stand out most clearly. The style you use the most in Storm is the Cooperating style (score of 12).

YOUR LEAST PREFERRED STYLE: The style you use the least in Calm is the Avoiding style (score of 8).

YOUR STORM SHIFT: The style that changes most for you when you shift from Calm into Storm mode is: Directing Style goes down by 4.

INTERPRETING YOUR SCORES As background to this report, we recommend that you take a few minutes and view several short video presentations of key concepts of conflict styles by Dr. Ron Kraybill, author of Style Matters. You'll get more from the report with this info in mind.

Take the numbers lightly. You are more than whatever was in your mind when you answered the twenty questions and you know yourself better than this test. Use the scores to think about your choices in conflict, not to define who you are. Better yet, ask family and friends who know you well for feedback.

Your Scores in the Five Conflict Styles

Calm Score – 10 Storm Score – 6

Calm Score – 11 Storm Score – 12

Calm Score – 10 Storm Score – 10

Calm Score – 8 Storm Score – 6

Calm Score – 9 Storm Score – 7

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YOUR RESPONSES IN STORM (HOW COVID19 AND CONFLICT CONNECT) The circle chart above shows your conflict style scores in two settings, Calm and Storm. We'll look first at your Storm numbers, when early resolution of conflict has failed and stress is high.

For everyone, when emotions rise, upper brain activities like rational thinking and problem-solving get harder. Lower brain instincts to fight, flee, or freeze get stronger. The Storm numbers reflect your responses when the lower brain is becoming active.

Green Zone vs. Red Zone responses. In the image at right, the stress of conflict moves you from rational Green Zone functioning towards Red Zone reactions. Those Red responses are useful occasionally, but only in unusual circumstances. Aim to choose them, not fall mindlessly into them. If you are easily pushed into Red reactions in conflict, you lose out on the power of the Green responses.

Stress adds up and pushes you towards Red. You've probably noticed that interpersonal conflict – and incidents of violence – have increased sharply in this time of pandemic. That's because the emotional affects of stress of all kinds are cumulative. From all sources, they add up and push us towards Red behaviors. COVID is one such "chronic stressor"; as are environmental threats, social polarization, economic worries, and more.

Self-management starts with self-monitoring. When total stress from all sources in our lives is high, even small conflicts can push us "over the edge" into thoughtless Red Zone responses. In these times, it's important to have strategies for self-management. Monitor yourself – and others around you – for signs of high stress. If you're edgy and reactive, recognize it. Describe how you feel to a trusted friend, a private journal, or an email to yourself. When you can, choose the issues and the timing of confrontations with care. For now, this score report will help you examine how you function and what you need in times of stress and conflict; just reading and discussing it will strengthen your Green Zone functioning.

If you're less than pleased with your scores, remember that you benefit from neuroplasticity. Humans can develop new patterns at any age. In times of calm, expand the power of your upper brain by trying new responses to conflict. Don't expect instant mastery of new responses; just persist and you'll be surprised at how soon you'll improve. Conversation with others really amplifies this – ability to cope well with stress rises quickly when we feel we have allies. You can of course read this report and put it away. But if you discuss it with even one other person who knows you well you can probably double its impact on you. See the section on Partner Support for ideas on this.

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You Scored High in Cooperating in Storm This suggests that when things get tense you try to create a discussion in which both sides openly present their views and then search together for solutions that fully address needs of both. More than any other style, Cooperating is useful in bringing positive outcomes in conflict. But it also has critical limitations you should be aware of.

Cooperating has Valuable Uses. Strengths associated with wise use of this style include:

Confidence and optimism. People who favor Cooperating have unusual confidence in working things out together. Their hopefulness can be a gift to others. Leads to strong teams. Cooperating is committed to both task and relationship. Partners and teams who use it well become strong units. The issues gets discussed, the work gets done in a thorough way and the people involved enjoy good relationships. Innovation and creativity. Solutions that nobody had thought of before often emerge in the interactive, respectful probing typical of this style. Skill at talking things through. It's impossible to use Cooperating well without strong skills for talking things through. Though not always aware they have them, people good at Cooperating often possess these skills, learned from the modeling of parents or teachers, by trial and error, or training in conflict resolution or communication. Endurance. People who score high in Cooperating often have unusual stamina for talking things through. They know it takes time to find solutions that work well for everyone and they exercise patience in hearing out those they disagree with. They have confidence to present their own views and courage to keep talking even when others disagree. Their example can help others not to lose hope of finding peace in the midst of big differences. Personal growth. Since they engage deeply, people who use Cooperating a lot are constantly exposed to new ideas and perspectives. They learn and grow from these and develop confidence in themselves. Trust between people. When teams or groups use Cooperating successfully, confidence in each other grows. The shared feeling is: We know how to work through our issues.

But Don't Over-Use It. Though it has wonderful strengths, Cooperating also has limits. Overuse of this valuable conflict style can bring:

Failure to defend people or principles that require protection. Sometimes it's important not to cooperate, and instead to confront wrong. Failure to get other important things done. Cooperating takes time and energy. Not all conflicts merit the investment it requires. Applied to many trivial issues, Cooperating backfires, as people weary of "too much processing". Discouragement, low morale, sense of failure, exhaustion, or burnout, if attempted without realistic awareness of the costs.No matter how good the intention or skill, intense problem-solving with others requires time, attention, and energy. You may run low on the personal resources for the intense conversations required. Sometimes it is necessary to protect your core mission by limiting your use of Cooperation. Increased conflict and misunderstanding, if used without consideration of power and status. This style involves being "up front" about what you want. A junior secretary should be cautious about using it with the company CEO. A CEO should not assume others will feel free to use it with him or her. Cooperating requires trust and a track record, especially when power and status are unequal. A bad name for conflict resolution, dialogue, or peace processes. If Cooperating is pursued too long with an opponent who takes an unyielding Directing or Avoiding stance or with people who don't have the time and skills required, it may create "evidence" that talk and problem-solving don't work. Yes, a patient Cooperating approach often brings forth a Cooperating response in others, but it does not always do so. If you persist anyway and hold out unrealistic expectations, you and others may lose confidence in Cooperating as a useful response to any conflict. Over-using Cooperating may thus damage the cause of peace.

Steps You Can Take to Maintain Balance with Cooperating. You can take special measures so you experience the benefits of wise use of Cooperating and avoid the costs of overuse:

Expand your skills in use of other styles so you are less likely to over-use Cooperating. Choose your battles. Think carefully about which issues, relationships, and situations deserve the time and effort required for Cooperating. If you use it too often you'll run out of time and energy for people and causes you truly care about and you could even be in danger of burnout. Consider dynamics of status and power. To the extent inequality is present, use a two-step approach. If you are a higher status person in a given conflict, begin with affirmation or appreciation of the other person. As a lower status person, thank or otherwise acknowledge your senior for being willing to meet to resolve things. Only after these preliminaries should you move to the open discussion typical of Cooperating. Pay careful attention to timing and readiness. Recognize when the skills and attitudes required for Cooperating are present, and when they are not. Then choose your response style appropriately. Sometimes it is better to use a different strategy for a while until you or others are ready for Cooperating.

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Do good process design. If the conflict involves numerous people, plan the process together. Usually it it not hard to agree on with whom, where, when, in what sequence things will be discussed. This "agreement on the process" will ease the discussion. Monitor the length and intensity of discussion. People who favor Cooperating tend to have more energy for intense discussion than others (with the exception of Directors, who may equal Cooperators in this). Monitor your volume and intensity; offers breaks during long exchanges; arrange discussion across several rounds.

Support Strategies for Cooperators. The most disruptive conflicts often come with those close to us, our partners and colleagues. The support strategies below are addressed to partners who want to help you function at your best. In negotiating with you, they are more likely to get a favorable response if they will:

Seek both/and approaches in discussion. Even if discussion starts out like a battle, look for ways to turn it into a joint discussion of wants and needs. One simple way to do that: Agree to take turns talking and listening. Another: Switch from debate mode to joint analysis and problem-solving. Provide good listening. Feeling heard helps all styles, but Cooperators respond particularly well to efforts to structure conversation around listening. Hear them out fully and you are likely to be surprised at how well even an angry Cooperator will listen in response. If you know the skill of "active listening" or paraphrasing, use it. Be candid, without being rude or insulting. Most Cooperators respect directness and candor in others so long as it is polite. Saying what you want and need will be appreciated, particularly if you manage to say it in an attitude of "providing information about what matters most to me" rather than criticizing or making demands. Stay connected and do not back down too quickly. Cooperators are assertive and make themselves heard. But this is only one part of the process. They truly want to hear other voices too. If you are silent or too quick to agree, the Cooperator ends up seeming to be a Director, which is not at all the intention. Colleagues and friends, especially those who favor Harmonizing and Avoiding and thus tend to step back from confrontation, should resist the inclination to quickly back down from an assertive Cooperator. Make both task and relationship a priority. Where Directors give priority to task and Harmonizers to relationship, Cooperaters give priority to both. Aim for this yourself. Separate these two in your thinking and figure out ways you can strategically support each. Provide information about your needs in a non-dramatic way. Like the Directing style, Cooperators seek info about what is happening with others and tend to become anxious in the absence of it. They'll respect you for giving it so long as you don't dramatize. Share info about yourself and your needs as calmly as you can. Eg: If you're getting very upset, say so, but avoid theatrics to get the point across. If you need some time and space to think, ask for it (rather than storming out the door) but signal your commitment to keep talking. "I want to go for a walk for half an hour to think things through. Then I'll come back and we can talk some more." Communicate your needs proactively. For example, in conversation with a Cooperating, an Avoider who needs to step back and think things through might say, "I recognize we need to talk. I want to be at my best when we do that. Could we discuss it tomorrow at 2 after the staff meeting? That will give me a chance to sort out my thoughts." Signal continuity of discussion. If you need a rest or time to think, assure the Cooperator you're committed to the discussion. Eg: "I'm worn out by this discussion. Could we take a break and continue tomorrow evening?"

YOUR RESPONSES IN CALM Now we turn to settings of Calm, when differences are apparent but emotions are not yet greatly stirred. Here we pay special attention to your lowest scores. These suggest “low-hanging fruit” for expanding your options and sense of control in the midst of differences.

Each of the five styles has a valuable role to play in the life of every person. When you score low in a style, you may be under-using that style.

The Calm stage of conflict is a great time to experiment with responses different from your usual ones. We normally function “on autopilot” in this stage and respond from habit. Yet since we are not highly stressed we have access to our best inner resources of reflection. Change is relatively easy when we switch off autopilot and consciously choose our response. By experimenting with greater use of styles you are less comfortable with, you can increase your sense of control in the midst of differences.

In your case, you have a tie or near-tie for lowest between the styles of Avoiding (8) and Harmonizing (9). This gives you opportunity to experiment with responses you may not have been using much. Study the styles below for ideas to try.

Try Using Avoiding More

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You scored lower in this style in Calm settings than in other styles. This suggests that, in early stages of conflict when things are not yet emotional, you use Avoiding less than other styles. This spares you some of the weaknesses of Avoiding. For example, if people habitually avoid difficult discussion in a long-term partnership, bad feelings fester and grow. Energy and enthusiasm fades and the relationship may be endangered.

But Avoiding has important uses you may be missing out on. You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles. So increased use of the arts of stepping back and avoiding conflict might benefit you, especially if there is a gap of 3 points or more between your lowish Avoiding score and your highest score in Calm.

When to Avoid. In Avoiding, you respond to differences by withdrawing from interaction. Neither person gets what they want; you just avoid the topic or the person. Although it has limits, Avoiding is wise, and indeed necessary, at times.

Conflict takes time and energy, and it's stressful. If we take on every battle, we run out of time and energy for the things most important to us. Avoiding is useful when:

The topic is too trivial to merit an argument. You have no time or energy to talk things through. The conflict is with someone you have no long-term relationship with on an issue of minor importance. Why waste the energy? Key people are stressed or anxious. High stress reduces ability to think well and self-regulate emotions. Sometimes it's wise to delay till people are able to use their best inner resources. When you're not powerful or strong enough to actively resist the demands of a more powerful party, yet need a passive form of resistance. When it might be dangerous physically or emotionally to get in an argument. When timing or sequence is wrong for discussion. Eg: Maybe you need to review the budget before debating a controversial purchase. When you need time to think things through, gather more information, consult with others, etc., in preparation for discussion.

Ways to Strengthen Avoiding. Since Avoiding seems not to come naturally for you, you might try experimenting with avoidance responses. For example:

Look before you leap into intense exchanges with people. Consider: 1) Whether you have the time and energy required to talk things through; 2) Whether the issue is worth the time and energy required. Dial back responsiveness. It's not necessary to accept every invitation to an argument, or to always match the level of intensity directed towards you. Experiment with simply sitting in thoughtful silence as others express views you disagree with. If a reply seems necessary, try, "I need to think about that." Delay or schedule conflict. For example, "Interesting idea, but could we talk about that some other time?" Or "Could I give you my views on that when we've got the time to really thresh it out?" Agree that certain topics are off-limit in certain times or places. Agree to discuss certain conflictive topics, such as finances in a domestic partnership, on a regular basis, such as every second Saturday morning, but not at any other time. Learn verbal responses for Avoiding. Memorize some diplomatic crutch phrases for Avoiding: "You know, I see it a bit differently, but I respect where you are coming from…." Or "I agree we need to discuss this, but could we set this topic aside until tomorrow morning so we can focus on other things right now?" Or "You see things one way and I see them a different way. Let's just leave it at that for now."

As you ratchet up your use of Avoiding, you'll have fewer difficult conversations to deal with and more time and energy for things you care about.

Try using Harmonizing more You scored lower in this style in Calm settings than other styles. This suggests that in early stages of conflict, when it's just an everyday disagreement and things are not yet emotional, you use Harmonizing less than other styles. This helps you avoid possible weaknesses of the Harmonizing style (such as difficulty in taking a stand on things that matter, or inability to press ahead with important tasks if others challenge you).

But Harmonizing has important strengths you may be missing out on. You'll be most effective in conflict if you are good at all five styles. So increased use of Harmonizing might be beneficial, especially if the gap between your lowish Harmonizing score and your highest score in other styles is 3 or more.

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Benefits of Harmonizing. In Harmonizing, you give high priority to the relationship and keeping the other person happy, and a lower priority to tasks or your own agenda. You set aside your own preferences as necessary in order to please the other person and keep the relationship strong. It's not right for all circumstances, but Harmonizing is a wise response sometimes. For example:

When the other person cares a great deal more about getting their preferences than do you. When insisting on your own preferences will damage relationships that are important to you. To maintain a balance of give-and-take in a long-term partnerships. If a partner in work or life feels there is not a balance of give and take, resentment creeps in. You can help balance things by using Harmonizing responses more, especially on issues that are not so important to you. To bring warmth and joy to any long-term relationship.

Ways to Strengthen Your Use of Harmonizing To Harmonize you give good attention and support to others and their needs and less to your own. Ways to do that:

Work on listening skills. Learn "Active Listening" or paraphrasing, and practice until you are good. When you listen well, harmonizing is easier. Lighten up. Slow down and inquire about others. Ask questions about things others are likely to enjoy talking about. Smile. Show a sense of humor. Build in some moments for chit-chat or relaxing along with serious discussion. Do conflict analysis from the perspective of your counterpart. As sympathetically as you can, make a list in private of your best guess as to the preferences, needs and challenges of a person you are in conflict with. Then look for ways to address them. Work on both task and relationship. If you scored low in Harmonizing in Calm, you are probably pretty task focused. To balance this, recognize two challenges in conflict: a) the tasks or issues the conflict is about; and b) the relationship. Make special efforts to support the relationship. For example… In negotiations, use a two-step approach to establish a connection before serious work with others. First, connect as people by asking your counterpart how they are doing, inquiring about a family member, thanking them for something, etc. Then, and only then, settle down to business.

Continue to use the other styles as well. But you may wish to experiment with getting more comfortable with Harmonizing, especially in relationships important to you or where connecting has been difficult.

YOUR STORM SHIFT Your Storm Shift is 4, Which is Just Big Enough to Pay Attention to It.

Scores in Calm reflect behavior in dealing with differences when anger and frustration are low. Scores in Storm reflect behavior when disagreements persist, when you are frustrated and probably angry. Your "Storm Shift" is the change in your behavior from Calm to Storm.

As a general principle, the bigger your Storm Shift, the more attention you should pay to it, for a large Storm Shift means that other people are probably surprised, shocked, or hurt by unexpected changes in your behavior.

The biggest shift for you in the transition from Calm to Storm conditions, your score in Directing Style goes down by 4 points. This is moderate, just big enough that you may benefit from the suggestions on the Riverhouse website about Weathering the Storm Shift.

FOR FURTHER STUDY There are numerous resources on the Riverhouse ePress site for further study:

Compendium of tips for all five styles. Tutorial on conflict styles. Interpreting scores – assistance in understanding scores. Support strategies for each style. MySupport -Tool to easily create a list of support strategies tailored to you. Guidelines for Weathering the Storm Shift. Tips on choosing the right style. Web resources on conflict styles. Anger Management. Principles underlying conflict style management and this inventory.

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