What are the argument for or against spanking your particular view? Now explain what are the opposing views and what support are used. Is there any common ele

Discussion Thread: Arguments Around Spanking

What are the argument for or against spanking your particular view? Now explain what are the opposing views and what support are used. Is there any common elements between these two views? If so, briefly describe it.

The student will post one thread of atleast 400 words. students must support their assertions with at least two scholarly citations in APA 7th ed.

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The New Strong-Willed Child

James C. Dobson

Dobson, J. C. (2014).  The New Strong-Willed Child. Tyndale House Publishers, Inc..  https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781414356044

Read: Dobson: Chapters 7–9

Chapter SEVEN GEARING DISCIPLINE TO THE NEEDS OF CHILDREN

Y VONNE, A MOTHER FROM SAN ANTONIO, wrote, “I was at the library with my twenty-month-old, Christy. I asked the librarian to help me locate The Strong-Willed Child, which was new at the time. As the librarian was filling out a form to request the book from a neighboring library, Christy threw herself on the floor in a tantrum because I wouldn’t let her run between the shelves. The lady looked at me and asked, ‘Shall we put RUSH on it?’ ”

While the broad principles I have provided to this point are widely applicable to children, each boy and girl is different, requiring his or her parents to interpret and apply them individually to the complex personality patterns evident in that particular youngster. Added to that challenge is the fact that the target is always moving. Developmental stages are in constant flux, so that Mom and Dad must be prepared to zig and zag year by year. An approach that is entirely appropriate and effective at age five may be obsolete by six or seven, creating a need for something entirely different. Then adolescence comes crashing onto the scene, and everything is thrown up for grabs. The best I can do to assist you in responding to this ever-changing pattern is to offer some guidelines for each age category and suggest that you use them to formulate your own techniques and understanding.

Let’s begin at birth and weave our way through the childhood years. Please understand that this discussion is by no means exhaustive and merely suggests the general nature of disciplinary methods at specific periods.

BIRTH TO SEVEN MONTHS

No direct discipline is necessary for a child under seven months of age, regardless of the behavior or circumstance. Many parents do not agree and find themselves swatting a child of six months for wiggling while being diapered or for crying at midnight. This is a serious mistake. A baby is incapable of comprehending his offense or associating it with the resulting punishment. At this early age, infants need to be held, loved, touched, and soothed with the human voice. They should be fed when hungry and kept clean and dry and warm. It is probable that the foundation for emotional and physical health is laid during this first six-month period, which should be characterized by security, affection, and warmth.

On the other hand, it is possible to create a fussy, demanding baby by rushing to pick him up every time she utters a whimper or sigh. Infants are fully capable of learning to manipulate their parents through a process called reinforcement, whereby any behavior that produces a pleasant result will tend to recur. Thus, a healthy baby can keep her mother or father hopping around her nursery twelve hours a day (or night) by simply forcing air past her sandpaper larynx. To avoid this consequence, you need to strike a balance between giving your baby the attention she needs and establishing her as a tiny dictator. Don’t be afraid to let her cry for a reasonable period of time (which is thought to be healthy for the lungs). It is necessary, though, to listen to the tone of her voice to determine if she’s crying because of random discontent or genuine distress. Most parents learn to recognize this distinction very quickly.

In keeping with our theme, I need to say the obvious: Yes, Virginia, there are easy babies and difficult babies! Some seem determined to dismantle the homes into which they were born; they sleep cozily during the day and then howl in protest all night; they are often colicky and spit up the vilest stuff on their clothes (usually on the way to church); they control their internal plumbing until you hand them to friends, and then they let it blast. Instead of cuddling into the fold of the arms when being held, they stiffen rigidly in search of freedom. And parents who wonder shortly after birth, “Will this baby survive?” may find themselves leaning sock eyed over a vibrating crib at 3 A.M., asking, “Will we survive?”

Both generations usually recover before long, and this disruptive beginning becomes nothing but a dim memory for the parents. And from that demanding tyrant will grow a thinking, loving human being with an eternal soul and a special place in the heart of the Creator. To the exhausted and harassed parents, let me say, “Hang tough! You’re doing the world’s most important assignment.”

EIGHT TO FOURTEEN MONTHS

Many children will begin to test the authority of their parents during the second seven-month period. The confrontations will be minor and infrequent before the first birthday, yet the beginnings of future struggles can be seen. Our daughter, Danae, for example, challenged Shirley for the first time when she was just nine months old. My wife was waxing the kitchen floor when Danae crawled to the edge of the linoleum. Shirley said, “No, Danae,” gesturing to the child not to enter the kitchen. Since our daughter began talking very early, she clearly understood the meaning of the word no. Nevertheless, she crawled straight onto the sticky wax. Shirley picked her up and sat her down in the doorway, while saying no more firmly. Not to be discouraged, Danae scrambled back onto the newly mopped floor. My wife took her back, saying no even more firmly as she put her down. Seven times this process was repeated, until Danae finally yielded and crawled away in tears. As best as we can recall, that was the first direct collision of wills between my daughter and wife. Many more encounters were to follow.

How do parents discipline a one-year-old? Very carefully and gently! Children at this age are easy to distract and divert. Rather than jerking a china cup from their hands, show them a brightly colored alternative—and then be prepared to catch the cup when it falls. When unavoidable confrontations occur, as with Danae crawling onto the waxy floor, win them by firm persistence—not by punishment. Again, don’t be afraid of the child’s tears, which can become a potent weapon to avoid naptime or bedtime or a diaper change. Have the courage to lead the child without being harsh or mean or gruff.

Before leaving this dynamic time of life, I must share with you the findings of a ten-year study of children between the ages of eight and eighteen months. While this investigation, known as Harvard University’s Preschool Project, was completed more than twenty-five years ago, its findings are still relevant for today. The researchers, led by Dr. Burton White, studied the young children intently during the ten-year period, hoping to discover how experiences in the early years of life contribute to the development of a healthy, intelligent human being. The conclusions from this exhaustive effort are summarized below, as reported originally in the American Psychological Association Monitor:1

• It is increasingly clear that the origins of human competence are to be found in a critical period of development between eight and eighteen months of age. The child’s experiences during these brief months do more to influence future intellectual competence than any time before or after.

• The single most important environmental factor in the life of the child is the mother. According to Dr. White, “she is on the hook” and carries more influence on her child’s experiences than any other person or circumstance.

• The amount of live language directed to a child (not to be confused with television, radio, or overheard conversations) is vital to her development of fundamental linguistic, intellectual, and social skills. The researchers concluded, “Providing a rich social life for a twelve- to fifteen-month-old child is the best thing you can do to guarantee a good mind.”

• Those children who are given free access to living areas of their homes progress much faster than those whose movements are restricted.

• The nuclear family is the most important educational delivery system. If we are going to produce capable, healthy children, it will be by strengthening family units and by improving the interactions that occur within them.

• The best parents in the study were those who excelled at three key functions:

1. They were superb designers and organizers of their children’s environments.

2. They permitted their children to interrupt them for brief thirty-second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information, and enthusiasm were exchanged.

3. They were “firm disciplinarians while simultaneously showing great affection for their children.” (I couldn’t have said it better myself.)

These findings speak eloquently about the issues that matter most in early childhood. I hear within them an affirmation and validation of the concepts to which I have devoted my professional life.

F IFTEEN TO TWENTY-FOUR MONTHS

It has been said that all human beings can be classified into two broad categories: those who would vote yes to the various propositions of life and those who would be inclined to vote no. I can tell you with confidence that each toddler around the world would definitely cast a negative vote! If there is one word that characterizes the period between fifteen and twenty-four months of age, it is no! No, they don’t want to eat their cereal. No, they don’t want to play with their building blocks. No, they don’t want to take a bath. And you can be sure that, no, they don’t want to go to bed, ever. It is easy to see why this period of life has been called “the first adolescence,” because of the negativism, conflict, and defiance of the age.

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton authored a helpful book called Toddlers and Parents that included an insightful description of the “terrible twos.”2 The following quote is his classic description of a typical eighteen-month-old boy named Greg. Although I have never met this little fellow, I know him well . . . as you will when your child becomes a toddler.

When Greg began to be negative in the second year, his parents felt as if they had been hit by a sledge hammer. His good nature seemed submerged under a load of negatives. When his parents asked anything of him, his mouth took on a grim set, his eyes narrowed, and, facing them squarely with his penetrating look, he replied simply, “no!” When offered ice cream, which he loved, he preceded his acceptance with a “no.” While he rushed out to get his snowsuit to go outside, he said “no” to going out.

His parents’ habit of watching Greg for cues now began to turn sour. He seemed to be fighting with them all of the time. When he was asked to perform a familiar chore, his response was, “I can’t.” When his mother tried to stop him from emptying his clothes drawer, his response was, “I have to.” He pushed hard on every familiar imposed limit, and never seemed satisfied until his parent collapsed in defeat. He would turn on the television set when his mother left the room. When she returned, she turned it off, scolded Greg mildly, and left again. He turned it on. She came rushing back to reason with him, to ask him why he’d disobeyed her. He replied, “I have to.” The intensity of her insistence that he leave it alone increased. He looked steadily back at her. She returned to the kitchen. He turned it on. She was waiting behind the door, swirled in to slap his hands firmly. He sighed deeply and said, “I have to.” She sat down beside him, begging him to listen to her to avoid real punishment. Again he presented a dour mask with knitted brows to her, listening but not listening. She rose wearily, he walked over to the machine to turn it on. As she came right back, tears in her eyes, to spank him, she said, “Greg, why do you want me to spank you? I hate it!” To which he replied, “I have to.” As she crumpled in the chair, weeping softly with him across her lap, Greg reached up to touch her wet face.

After this clash, Mrs. Lang was exhausted. Greg sensed this and began to try to be helpful. He ran to the kitchen to fetch her mop and her dustpan, which he dragged in to her as she sat in her chair. This reversal made her smile and she gathered him up in a hug.

Greg caught her change in mood and danced off gaily to a corner, where he slid behind a chair, saying “hi and see.” As he pushed the chair out, he tipped over a lamp which went crashing to the floor. His mother’s reaction was, “No, Greg!” He curled up on the floor, his hands over his ears, eyes tightly closed, as if he were trying to shut out all the havoc he had wrought.

As soon as he was put into his high chair, he began to whine. She was so surprised that she stopped preparation of his food, and took him to change him. This did not settle the issue, and when she brought him to his chair again, he began to squirm and twist. She let him down to play until his lunch was ready. He lay on the floor, alternately whining and screeching. So unusual was this that she . . . felt his forehead for fever. . . . Finally, she returned to fixing his lunch. Without an audience, Greg subsided.

When she placed him in his chair again, his shrill whines began anew. She placed his plate in front of him with cubes of food to spear with his fork. He tossed the implement overboard, and began to push his plate away, refusing the food. Mrs. Lang was nonplussed, decided he didn’t feel well, and offered him his favorite ice cream. Again, he sat helpless, refusing to feed himself. When she offered him some, he submissively allowed himself to be fed a few spoonfuls. Then he knocked the spoon out of her hand and pushed the ice cream away. Mrs. Lang was sure that he was ill.

Mrs. Lang extracted Greg from his embattled position, and placed him on the floor to play while she ate lunch. This, of course, wasn’t what he wanted either. He continued to tease her, asking for food off her plate, which he devoured greedily. His eagerness disproved her theory of illness. When she ignored him and continued to eat, his efforts redoubled. He climbed under the sink to find the bleach bottle which he brought to her on command. He fell forward onto the floor and cried loudly as if he’d hurt himself. He began to grunt as if he were having a bowel movement and to pull on his pants. This was almost a sure way of drawing his mother away from her own activity, for she’d started trying to “catch” him and put him on the toilet. This was one of his signals for attention, and she rushed him to the toilet. He smiled smugly at her, but refused to perform. Mrs. Lang felt as if she were suddenly embattled on all fronts—none of which she could win.

When she turned to her own chores, Greg produced the bowel movement he’d been predicting.3

This, my friends, was not a description of a typical toddler. Greg was a classic strong-willed child. He was having fun at the expense of his mama, and he almost took the measure of her. I’ll talk in a moment about how such a child should be handled.

The picture painted by Dr. Brazelton sounds pretty bleak, and admittedly, there are times when a two-year-old can dismantle the peace and tranquility of a home. (Our son, Ryan, loved to blow bubbles in the dog’s water dish—a game that horrified us.) However, with all of its struggles, there is no more delightful time in life than this period of dynamic blossoming and unfolding. New words are being learned daily, and the cute verbal expressions of that age will be remembered for a half century. It is a time of excitement over fairy tales and make-believe and furry puppy dogs. And most important, it is a precious time of loving and warmth that will scurry by all too quickly. There are millions of older parents with grown children today who would give all they possess to relive those bubbly days with their toddlers.

Let me make a few recommendations about discipline that will, I hope, be helpful when a toddler is on the warpath. I must hasten to say, however, that the negativism of this turbulent period is both normal and healthy, and nothing will make an eighteen-month-old act like a five-year-old. Time is the only real “cure.”

Now, let’s talk about Greg. His kind of misbehavior is what Mrs. Susanna Wesley was referring to when she wrote, “In order to form the minds of children, the first thing to be done is to conquer the will, and bring them into an obedient temper. To inform the understanding is a work of time, and must with children proceed by slow degrees as they are able to bear it; but the subjecting of the will is a thing which must be done at once, and the sooner the better!” I’m not sure Mrs. Lang accomplished that purpose.

When times of confrontation occur with a strong-willed toddler such as Greg, mild slaps on the bottom or the hand can begin between fifteen and eighteen months of age. They should be relatively infrequent and must be reserved for the kind of defiance he displayed over the television set. He understood what was expected of him but he refused to comply. This behavior is what I have been referring to as willful defiance. Greg was clearly taunting his mother and testing the limits of her endurance. Mrs. Lang mishandled the situation. I’m not being critical of her. I fully understand her frustration and am sure that most mothers would have responded similarly. Nevertheless, she needed to win that battle decisively in order to avoid endless recurrences down the road, but she failed to get that done.

Look again at the mistakes this mother made. When Greg turned the television set on after she had pointedly turned it off, Mrs. Lang “scolded Greg mildly.” He did it again and she “came rushing back to reason with him.” Then she asked him why he disobeyed her. He said “I have to” and turned the television on again. Finally, Mom “swirled in to slap his hands firmly.” Slapping Greg’s hands was the right thing to do, but it came far too late. She should have done that after he had been warned once and then disobeyed again. Mrs. Lang’s other measures were not only ineffective, but they made things worse. It is a total waste of time to “reason” with a toddler in a moment of defiance, and certainly, one does not whine and ask him “why?” You will never get a satisfactory answer to that question. If Greg had had a few more years on him and told the truth, he would have said, “Because I’m trying to drive you nuts, that’s why.” Mrs. Lang wound up begging her strong-willed boy to listen and obey, and then cried when he forced her to punish him. Those were all the wrong things to have done.

I have concentrated on this story because it is applicable to millions of parents who have been led to believe that mild punishment is somehow harmful to children, and that even if it is applied, it should be a last resort after scolding, whining, begging, crying, explaining repeatedly, and trying to reason. These responses to blatant misbehavior undermine authority and put the parent on the same level with the child. What heady stuff it is for a two-year-old to take on a powerful adult and reduce her to tears.

Mrs. Lang should have come back into the room after the television set went on the second time and sat down with a word of advice for her little boy. She should have put her hands on either side of his head, looked him straight in the eyes, and said firmly, “Listen to me, Greg. Mommy does not want you to touch the television set again. Do you hear me? DON’T TOUCH IT AGAIN. Do you understand?” What she would have been doing in that moment was drawing the boundary lines vividly in Greg’s mind. Then if he went back to the set for round three, she should have been standing nearby. The hand-slapping response should have occurred right then. It would not have been necessary to explain or reason. It would have been enough that his mother had given him an order. For most children, tears would have occurred and quenched the rebellious mood Greg was in. In most cases, that would have ended the matter. If he was especially tough, Greg might have tested his mother again. Without screaming or crying or begging, she would have needed simply to outlast him, no matter how long it took. Remember that Dr. Brazelton said Greg never seemed satisfied until his mother collapsed in defeat. That is why Mom should never have let that happen. This toddler should have come out of this encounter with the shocking belief that Mom means business. I don’t like what happened to me. I’d better do what she says.

This response by the mother must be done without abusing the child physically or emotionally. I am convinced from my many years of working with parents that a frustrated woman like Mrs. Lang is less likely to do something unthinkable if she is empowered to handle the challenge early—before it becomes a donnybrook—rather than wait until she is too frazzled to control herself.

Let me caution parents not to punish toddlers for behavior that is natural and necessary to learning and development. Exploration of their environment, for example, is of great importance to intellectual stimulation. You and I will look at a crystal trinket and obtain whatever information we seek from that visual inspection. Toddlers, however, will expose it to all their senses. They will pick it up, taste it, smell it, wave it in the air, pound it on the wall, throw it across the room, and listen to the pretty sound it makes when shattering. By that process, they learn a bit about gravity, rough versus smooth surfaces, the brittle nature of glass, and some startling things about their parent’s anger. (This is not what Greg was doing. He was not exploring. He was disobeying.)

Am I suggesting that kids, strong-willed or otherwise, be allowed to destroy a home and all of its contents? No, but neither is it right to expect curious toddlers to keep their fat little fingers to themselves. Parents should remove those items that are fragile or particularly dangerous and then strew their children’s path with fascinating objects of all types. Permit them to explore everything that is not breakable. Do not ever punish them for touching something, regardless of its value, that they did not know was off-limits. With respect to dangerous items, such as electric plugs and stoves, as well as a few untouchable objects such as the TV controls, it is possible and necessary to teach and enforce the command “Don’t touch!” After making it clear what is expected, a slap on the hand will usually discourage repeat episodes.

Entire books have been written about disciplining young children. I wrote a couple of them. I have only touched on the subject here to give a flavor of the proper approach to management of toddlers—even a confirmed revolutionary like Greg.

TWO TO THREE YEARS OF AGE

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of raising children between two and three is their tendency to spill things, destroy things, eat horrible things, fall off things, flush things, kill things, and get into things. They also have a knack for doing embarrassing things, like sneezing on the man seated near them at McDonald’s. During the toddler years, any unexplained silence of more than thirty seconds can throw an adult into a sudden state of panic. What mother has not had the thrill of opening the bedroom door, only to find Hurricane Hannah covered with lipstick from the top of her head to the carpet on which she stands? Beside her is a red handprint she has placed in the center of the carpet. Throughout the room is the aroma of Chanel No. 5, with which she has anointed a younger sibling. Wouldn’t it be interesting to hold a national convention sometime, bringing together all the mothers who have experienced similar traumas?

When my daughter was two years of age, she was fascinated the first time she watched me shave in the morning. She stood captivated as I put the shaving cream on my face and began using the razor. That should have been my first clue that something was up. The following morning, Shirley came into the bathroom to find our dog, Siggie, sitting in his favorite spot on the furry lid of the toilet seat. Danae had covered his head with lather and was systematically shaving the hair from his shiny skull! Shirley screamed, “Danae!” which sent Siggie and his barber scurrying for safety. It was a hilarious sight to see the little wiener dog standing in the bedroom with nicks and bald spots on his head.

When Ryan was the same age, he had an incredible ability to make messes. He could turn something over and spill it faster than any kid I’ve ever seen, especially at mealtime. (Once while eating a peanut-butter sandwich, he thrust his hand through the bottom side. When his fingers emerged at the top they were covered with peanut butter, and Ryan didn’t recognize them. The poor lad clamped down severely on his index finger.) Because of this destructive inclination, Ryan heard the word mess repeatedly from Shirley and me. It became one of the most important words in his vocabulary. One evening while taking a shower I left the door ajar and got some water on the floor. As you might expect, Ryan came thumping around the corner and stepped in it. He looked up at me and said in the gruffest voice he could manage, “Whuss all this mess in hyere?”

You must keep a sense of humor during the twos and threes in order to preserve your own sanity. But you must also proceed with the task of instilling obedience and respect for authority. Thus, most of the comments written in the preceding section also apply to the child between twenty-two and thirty-six months of age. Although the older toddler is much different physically and emotionally than he was at eighteen months, the tendency to test and challenge parental authority is still very much in evidence. In fact, when young toddlers consistently win the early confrontations and conflicts, they become even more difficult to handle in the second and third years. Then a lifelong disrespect for authority often begins to settle into their young minds. Therefore, I cannot overemphasize the importance of instilling two distinct messages within your child before she is forty-eight months of age:

• “I love you more than you can possibly understand. You are precious to me and I thank God every day He let me raise you!”

• “Because I love you, I must teach you to obey me. That is the only way I can take care of you and protect you from things that might hurt you. Let’s read what the Bible tells us: ‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right’ ” (Ephesians 6:1).

The broad principle, which appears throughout this book, bears repeating. Healthy parenting can be boiled down to those two essential ingredients: love and control. They must operate in a system of checks and balances. Any concentration on love to the exclusion of control usually breeds disrespect and contempt. Conversely, an authoritarian and oppressive home atmosphere is deeply resented by the child who feels unloved or even hated. The objective for the toddler years is to strike a balance between mercy and justice, affection and authority, love and control.

Specifically, how does one discipline a naughty two- or three-year-old child? One possible approach is to require her to sit in a chair and think about what she has done. This is the concept often referred to as a time-out. Most children of this age are bursting with energy and absolutely hate to spend ten dull minutes with their wiggly posteriors glued to a chair. To some individuals, this form of punishment can be even more effective than a spanking and is remembered longer.

Parents to whom I have recommended using time-outs have often asked, “But what if they won’t stay in the chair?” The same question is asked with reference to the child’s tendency to pop out of bed after being tucked in at night. These are examples of the direct confrontation I have been describing. Parents who cannot require a toddler to stay on a chair for a few minutes or in bed at the end of the day are not yet in command of the child. There is no better time than now to change the relationship.

I would suggest that the youngster be placed in bed and given a little speech, such as, “Brandon, this time Mommy means business. Are you listening to me? Do not get out of this bed. Do you understand me?” Then when his feet touch the floor, give him one swat on the legs or backside with a small paddle or belt. (I’ll explain later why a neutral object is better, in my opinion, than using the hand.) Put the paddle on the dresser where the child can see it, and promise him one more stroke if he gets up again. Walk confidently out of the room without further comment. If he rebounds again, fulfill your promise and offer the same warning if he doesn’t stay in bed. Repeat the episode until the child acknowledges that you are boss. Then hug him, tell him how you love him, and remind him how important it is for him to get rest so that he won’t be sick, etc.

Your purpose in this painfu

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