There can be roadblocks when building trust and rapport with clients. However, providing empathetic responses, can help build the trust and rapport needed. When a good relationship is built

Exercises for Chapter 8

Exercises III: Reflective Listening

Reflective Listening I

Instructions:  People communicate words and ideas, and sometimes it seems appropriate to respond to the content of what someone has just said. Behind the words, however, lie the feelings. Often it is most helpful to respond to the feelings.

Following are statements made by people with problems. For each statement, first identify the feeling; write down the word you think best describes how the person might be feeling. Next, write a brief empathic response—a short sentence that includes the feeling. Refer to the sample openers provided in Chapter 7 under the heading “Useful Responses.”

1. “When I was in court, the defense attorney really pounded me. You know, like he thought I was lying or didn’t believe me or thought I was exaggerating.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

2. “Those dirty, lousy creeps! Everything was fine in my life, and they really, really ruined everything! I don’t care if I go on or not. Why live if someone can just take everything away from you in one night?”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

3. “I know you said this is temporary housing and all, but I never had a place like this place. I can’t stand to think I have to move again sometime, and God knows where I’ll go.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

4. “This whole setup is the pits. He gets to stay in the house after beating me half to death, and I have to go to this cramped little room. Does that make sense?”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

Instructions Part II:  Now go back and respond to the content in each of these vignettes.

Reflective Listening II

Instructions:  People communicate words and ideas, and sometimes it seems appropriate to respond to the content of what someone has just said. Behind the words, however, lie the feelings. Often it is most helpful to respond to the feelings.

Following are statements made by people with problems. For each statement, first identify the feeling; write down the word you think best describes how the person might be feeling. Next, write a brief empathic response—a short sentence that includes the feeling. Refer to the sample openers provided in Chapter 7 under the heading “Useful Responses.”

1. “Sometimes it kind of makes me sick to think of all the stuff I did when I was drinking. I’d like to go and take it all back, but how do you ever do that?”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

2. “I just can’t go out in the car. All I hear is the screech of tires and the awful thud and scrape of metal. I thought I was dying. I can see it all before me as if it was yesterday.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

3. “We have a neighborhood problem here! Yes we do! A real big idiot lives in that house. A real nut! He trimmed my own yard with a string trimmer and threw stones all over my car. Ruined the paint!”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

4. “I never meant to get pregnant. I know everyone says that, but I didn’t! I can’t think straight. What about my job and school and all my plans? I feel sick. I feel all the time like I’m going to faint.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

Instructions Part II:  Now go back and respond to the content in each of these vignettes.

Reflective Listening III

Instructions:  People communicate words and ideas, and sometimes it seems appropriate to respond to the content of what someone has just said. Behind the words, however, lie the feelings. Often it is most helpful to respond to the feelings.

Following are statements made by people with problems. For each statement, first identify the feeling; write down the word you think best describes how the person might be feeling. Next, write a brief empathic response—a short sentence that includes the feeling. Refer to the sample openers provided in Chapter 7 under the heading “Useful Responses.”

1. “I can tell you now, I just can’t go back there. I just feel as if my husband will kill me one of these times.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

2. “I can’t stand those people! They made fun of that retarded kid night and day. I hope they get theirs!”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

3. “I’ve been clean for 8 months! If you had told me this would happen a year ago, I’d have laughed in your face.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

4. “When I was a little kid, my mom and dad got along okay, but now they fight all the time, and my mother says my dad is on drugs and has a girlfriend. Home is like hell.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

Instructions Part II:  Now go back and respond to the content in each of these vignettes.

Reflective Listening IV

Instructions:  People communicate words and ideas, and sometimes it seems appropriate to respond to the content of what someone has just said. Behind the words, however, lie the feelings. Often it is most helpful to respond to the feelings.

Following are statements made by people with problems. For each statement, first identify the feeling; write down the word you think best describes how the person might be feeling. Next, write a brief empathic response—a short sentence that includes the feeling. Refer to the sample openers provided in Chapter 7 under the heading “Useful Responses.”

1. “When I took that test, it was really hard. And I guess I was nervous. I mean, I couldn’t think of any of the answers.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

2. “Those guys are lousy! They’re always snickering and making fun of other people, especially people who have a disability. They make me sick!”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

3. “I know Jim said we could be buddies at swim practice, but I’m probably not as good a swimmer as he is. I feel sort of silly trying to swim with him. Maybe he would like to have a better buddy.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

4. “This whole setup sucks. This other guy gets the tutor, and the teacher tells me to go home and see if my mother can tutor me. She never had this math. Math isn’t even her thing. Does that make sense?”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

Instructions Part II:  Now go back and respond to the content in each of these vignettes.

Reflective Listening V

Instructions:  People communicate words and ideas, and sometimes it seems appropriate to respond to the content of what someone has just said. Behind the words, however, lie the feelings. Often it is most helpful to respond to the feelings.

Following are statements made by people with problems. For each statement, first identify the feeling; write down the word you think best describes how the person might be feeling. Next, write a brief empathic response—a short sentence that includes the feeling. Refer to the sample openers provided in Chapter 7 under the heading “Useful Responses.”

1. “Well, every time I go off my meds, I get kind of crazy. My minister is really putting the pressure on me to quit and let God take over my illness.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

2. “The people at the halfway house are so nice to me, compared to the way things were with my family.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

3. “You have some nerve, having the therapist see my son every week for 6 months, and then you refuse to tell me more than ‘he’s doing better.’ How do I know he’s doing better?”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

4. “I’ve been on the streets since 1972, and I never slept inside a night until now. I don’t know, I just can’t seem to stay out like I used to without getting this cough.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

Instructions Part II:  Now go back and respond to the content in each of these vignettes.

Reflective Listening VI

Instructions:  People communicate words and ideas, and sometimes it seems appropriate to respond to the content of what someone has just said. Behind the words, however, lie the feelings. Often it is most helpful to respond to the feelings.

Following are statements made by people with problems. For each statement, first identify the feeling; write down the word you think best describes how the person might be feeling. Next, write a brief empathic response—a short sentence that includes the feeling. Refer to the sample openers provided in Chapter 7 under the heading “Useful Responses.”

1. “I can’t believe I was that intoxicated! I just don’t believe it. Their gizmo must have been broken or something. I just didn’t drink that much and I wouldn’t be driving if I had!”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

2. “You don’t expect us to take Alfred into our home, do you? He is very mentally ill—tore up the house several times. I really—well, I know he’s my son, but I just can’t deal with the way he’s been in the past.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

3. “I can tell you what scares me most. It’s being by myself at the house one night and having him come back. I don’t know if I can go on living there.”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

4. “I just can’t go to class. Not after making a fool of myself the last time. I got every answer wrong when the teacher called on me, and people were making fun. . . . It was terrible!”

FEELING:

EMPATHIC RESPONSE:

Instructions Part VI:  Now go back and respond to the content in each of these vignettes.

Appendix B

Vocabulary of Emotions

	Happiness	Caring	Depression	Inadequateness	Fear	Confusion	Hurt	Anger	Loneliness	Remorse
Strong	Delighted Ebullient Ecstatic Elated Energetic Enthusiastic Euphoric Excited Exhilarated Overjoyed Thrilled Tickled pink Turned on Vibrant Zippy	Adoring Ardent Cherishing Compassionate Crazy about Devoted Doting Fervent Idolizing Infatuated Passionate Wild about Worshipful Zealous	Alienated Barren Beaten Bleak Bleeding Dejected Depressed Desolate Despondent Dismal Empty Gloomy Grieved Grim Hopeless In despair Woeful Worried	Blemished Blotched Broken Crippled Damaged False Feeble Finished Flawed Helpless Impotent Inferior Invalid Powerless Useless Washed up Whipped Worthless Zero	Alarmed Appalled Desperate Distressed Frightened Horrified Intimidated Panicky Paralyzed Petrified Shocked Terrified Terror-stricken Wrecked	Baffled Befuddled Chaotic Confounded Confused Dizzy Flustered Rattled Reeling Shocked Shook up Speechless Startled Stumped Stunned Taken-aback Thrown Thunderstruck Trapped	Abused Aching Anguished Crushed Degraded Destroyed Devastated Discarded Disgraced Forsaken Humiliated Mocked Punished Rejected Ridiculed Ruined Scorned Stabbed Tortured	Affronted Belligerent Bitter Burned up Enraged Fuming Furious Heated Incensed Infuriated Intense Outraged Provoked Seething Storming Truculent Vengeful Vindictive Wild	Abandoned Black Cut off Deserted Destroyed Empty Forsaken Isolated Marooned Neglected Ostracized Outcast Rejected Shunned	Abashed Debased Degraded Delinquent Depraved Disgraced Evil Exposed Humiliated Judged Mortified Shamed Sinful Wicked Wrong
Medium	Aglow Buoyant Cheerful Elevated Gleeful Happy In high spirits Jovial Light-hearted Lively Merry Riding high Sparkling Up	Admiring Affectionate Attached Fond Fond of Huggy Kind Kind-hearted Loving Partial Soft on Sympathetic Tender Trusting Warm-hearted	Awful Blue Crestfallen Demoralized Devalued Discouraged Dispirited Distressed Downcast Downhearted Fed up Lost Melancholy Miserable Regretful Rotten Sorrowful Tearful Upset Weepy	Ailing Defeated Deficient Dopey Feeble Helpless Impaired Imperfect Incapable Incompetent Incomplete Ineffective Inept Insignificant Lacking Lame Overwhelmed Small Substandard Unimportant	Afraid Apprehensive Awkward Defensive Fearful Fidgety Fretful Jumpy Nervous Scared Shaky Skittish Spineless Taut Threatened Troubled Wired	Adrift Ambivalent Bewildered Puzzled Blurred Disconcerted Disordered Disorganized Disquieted Disturbed Foggy Frustrated Misled Mistaken Misunderstood Mixed up Perplexed Troubled	Annoyed Belittled Cheapened Criticized Damaged Depreciated Devalued Discredited Distressed Impaired Injured Maligned Marred Miffed Mistreated Resentful Troubled Used Wounded	Aggravated Annoyed Antagonistic Crabby Cranky Exasperated Fuming Grouchy Hostile Ill-tempered Indignant Irate Irritated Offended Ratty Resentful Sore Spiteful Testy Ticked off	Alienated Alone Apart Cheerless Companionless Dejected Despondent Estranged Excluded Left out Leftover Lonely Oppressed Uncherished	Apologetic Ashamed Contrite Culpable Demeaned Downhearted Flustered Guilty Penitent Regretful Remorseful Repentant Shamefaced Sorrowful Sorry
Light	Contented Cool Fine Genial Glad Gratified Keen Pleasant Pleased Satisfied Serene Sunny	Appreciative Attentive Considerate Friendly Interested in Kind Like Respecting Thoughtful Tolerant Warm toward Yielding	Blah Disappointed Down Funk Glum Low Moody Morose Somber Subdued Uncomfortable Unhappy	Dry Incomplete Meager Puny Tenuous Tiny Uncertain Unconvincing Unsure Weak Wishful	Anxious Careful Cautious Disquieted Goose- bumpy Shy Tense Timid Uneasy Unsure Watchful Worried	Distracted Uncertain Uncomfortable Undecided Unsettled Unsure	Let down Minimized Neglected Put away Put down Rueful Tender Touched Unhappy	Bugged Chagrined Dismayed Galled Grim Impatient Irked Petulant Resentful Sullen Uptight	Blue Detached Discouraged Distant Insulated Melancholy Remote Separate Withdrawn	Bashful Blushing Chagrined Chastened Crestfallen Embarrassed Hesitant Humble Meek Regretful Reluctant Sheepish

Source: Tom Drummond, North Seattle CC, [email protected]

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