As stated in the Study Guide, the student should begin early in the course by reading pages 11-38 of THE BLESSING by Gary Smalley and John Trent. This will provide an understanding of the con

The BLESSING GIVING THE GIFT of UNCONDITIONAL

LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE

John Trent, PhD and Gary Smalley

© 1986 Gary Smalley and John Trent

© 1993, 2011 John Trent and Gary Smalley

Revised and Updated by John Trent, PhD

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other —except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected]

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are taken from the New King James Version®. © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations noted KJV are from the King James Version.

Scripture quotations noted NASB are taken from the New American Standard Bible®, © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977. Used by permission.

Scripture quotation attributed to the “J. B. Phillips translation” is from J. B. Phillips: The New Testament in Modern English, Revised Edition. © J. B. Phillips 1958, 1960, 1972. Used by permission of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc.

Names have been changed to protect the identities of people referred to in this book.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Trent, John, 1952– The blessing : giving the gift of unconditional love and acceptance / John Trent and Gary Smalley. — Rev. and updated by John Trent. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-8499-4637-0 (trade paper) 1. Families—Religious life. 2. Child rearing—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Blessing and cursing. I. Smalley, Gary. II. Title.

BV4526.3.T74 2011 248.8'45—dc22

2011004971

Printed in the United States of America

11 12 13 14 15 RRD 5 4 3 2 1

To Cindy Trent and Norma Smalley, who are blessings from God

Contents

Acknowledgments 1. To Change a Life

PART 1: WHY IS THE BLESSING SO IMPORTANT?

2. The Lifelong Search for the Blessing 3. “Bless Me—Me Also, O My Father!” 4. A Life-and-Death Choice

PART 2: UNDERSTANDING THE BLESSING

5. A Clear Path for Every Parent 6. The First Element: Meaningful Touch 7. The Second Element: A Spoken Message 8. The Third Element: Attaching High Value 9. The Fourth Element: Picturing a Special Future 10. The Fifth Element: An Active Commitment

PART 3: WHEN THE BLESSING DOESN’T HAPPEN

11. Homes That Withhold the Blessing 12. Half-Blessed 13. If You Missed the Blessing 14. Reversing the Curse

PART 4: LIVING THE BLESSING CHALLENGE

15. First Steps: A Written Blessing 16. Next Steps: Five Pictures That Point the Way 17. Last Words: Living the Blessing for a Lifetime

Afterword: An Invitation to Take the Blessing Challenge

Appendix: Becoming a Blessing Champion

Notes

About the Authors

Acknowledgments

MY DEEPEST GRATITUDE goes out to my lifelong friend, Gary Smalley, who not only coauthored the original Blessing book with me, but who graciously agreed to be the honorary chairman of our National Board of Reference for the Institute for the Blessing. I deeply appreciate his support and that of his outstanding sons and colleagues, Dr. Greg Smalley and Dr. Michael Smalley, at the Smalley Relationship Center. Thanks also to nine people who have truly been champions in encouraging a

new generation of parents to embrace and live out the message of the blessing: Debbie Wickwire, Larry Weeden, Bob Dubberly, Lee Hough, Dewey Wilson, Pastor Ryan Rush, Dr. Royce Fraizer, Dr. Adrian Halverstadt, and Dr. Tony Wheeler. All have been incredible friends and champions for the blessing and the Blessing Challenge. A very special note of thanks to Anne Christian Buchanan. Her extraordinary skill in helping with all the editorial changes and countless wise suggestions on updating the book were absolutely invaluable and deeply appreciated. The many parents who will see their children’s lives changed as they live out

the blessing won’t know the incredible contribution these ten have made in launching this mission and message, but I’ll never forget. Thank you and may God’s blessing be on each of you!

ONE

To Change a Life

THE WRITING OF every book has its own story. For me, the story of this book is one that changed my life. It has now been more than thirty years since two intensely personal

experiences collided on the same day. It began on my first day as an intern at a psychiatric hospital. It ended with the Lord opening my eyes to the life-changing power of a simple relational tool called the blessing. That day at the hospital, I spent a full shift sitting next to a young man on

twenty-four-hour suicide watch. He was tall, handsome, well mannered, and an excellent student. In fact, he had been a straight-A student in high school and for three years of college. When he caught the flu the first semester of his senior year, that all changed. In a required PE course he had put off until then, he missed so many classes that his instructor gave him an automatic grade reduction to B for the semester. When the young man found out that there was no extra credit, no way to substitute other classes, and now no way to change his grade or drop the course, he fell into instant despair. He left the teacher’s office, went back to his dorm room, and tried to take his life. He would have succeeded had his roommate not unexpectedly and providentially returned. As we sat and talked, and as I tried not to stare at his bandaged wrists, this

young man poured out his heart to me. His story included a brilliant, demanding, engineer father who had gotten straight As himself and demanded nothing less from his oldest son. It highlighted how hard he had tried, all his life, to gain his father’s favor. And it ultimately led to how his failing to get an A in a tennis class brought the death of a dream—and nearly his own death as well. This young man desperately yearned for something he couldn’t quite define—

something that was always in sight, yet somehow never within reach. His heartbreaking tale left a haunting, indelible impression on me. I went home late that afternoon and shared the events of the day at length with my wife, Cindy. While I was still pondering and processing what had happened, the second of two dramatic events took place. It was nighttime when I finally sat down and began working on a message for

a couples’ Sunday school class. While I’m sure you would never do such a thing if you were the teacher, I was just beginning my message—for the next day— and kicking myself for letting school, work, and family crowd in so much. Looking back, I can see how Almighty God had his hand in the timing: after sitting down for hours next to that hurting young man, I now sat down and opened my Bible to Genesis 27. Genesis 27 tells the story of twins: Jacob and Esau. I had read of the struggle

between these two brothers countless times in the past. My plan was to speed- read through the passage and throw together a few inspired thoughts. Yet that night, with each word I read, time seemed to slow down. It was as if I saw, for the first time, the intensely personal story of how these two young men struggled so mightily to receive the same gift. In fact, that night, it wasn’t just words that I saw. It was like I could see each

boy’s face. The ear-to-ear smile and unbridled joy in Jacob’s eyes when he walked away with his father’s blessing. The crushing look of shock and loss on Esau’s tormented face when he realized he would never receive that gift. When Esau lifted up his voice and cried in anguish, “Bless me—me also, O

my father!” I suddenly saw not only Esau’s unfulfilled longing and broken heart but also an echo of the tears and desperate cries I had heard as I sat next to the heartbroken young man in the hospital. And at that moment, it was as if the Lord put tangible words to the intangible something that young man had longed for all his life. He missed his father’s blessing . . . That’s what broke his heart! As that thought washed over me, I read Esau’s pitiful, heartbreaking, repeated

cry, “Have you only one blessing, my father? Bless me—me also, O my father!” (Gen. 27:38). Just as suddenly, I had words for my own pain and hurt. For all my life I, too, had longed for something I had never received from my own father— his blessing. Long into the night, I studied and thought and remembered and prayed, and

the next day was the first time I taught a group about the blessing. In a small basement classroom at Northwest Bible Church in Dallas, Texas, on a rainy Sunday morning, twenty couples heard about Jacob’s gain and Esau’s loss. They were the first people I ever asked whether they had received this life-changing gift from their parents. The impact was incredible. The nodding heads. The tears in too many eyes.

The discussion in the hallway, long after class. The calls that came for days afterward from people who felt as if Esau’s cry was their own—and from just as

many who wanted to make sure they were giving the blessing to their children. “Can you tell me more about that blessing?” So began a personal, now thirty-plus-year study of the blessing. It became the

subject of my doctoral dissertation and the basis for this book. (The original edition was written with the incomparable Dr. Gary Smalley, who continues to support our blessing ministry in many practical ways.) It also launched seminars and talks I’ve done and continue to do on the blessing at churches and even stadiums across the country. Rather than adding layers of dust to a stale concept, years of teaching about this amazing Old Testament concept has caused interest to mushroom, not diminish. When this book was first published, the Internet was reserved for high-end

computer users in major universities. Today, blessing messages go out as tweets and e-mails or text messages sent from BlackBerries and iPhones. Yet with all the advances in technology, the challenges of raising children in a world haunted by terrorism and social upheaval has drawn people—more than ever—to want strong, loving families. In that search they keep coming back to God’s Word . . . and to the blessing. Perhaps you are reading this book as a third-generation Christian and have

personally benefited from a long tradition of blessing children. If that is the case, you may well find yourself saying, “So that’s why our family has stayed so close all these years!” Or perhaps you are like my wife, Cindy, and me: first- generation Christians from difficult backgrounds—hers an alcoholic home, mine a single-parent home—each wanting to pass on to our children more than we received. This book can put into words what you missed as a child as well as provide practical, hands-on ways of communicating unconditional love and acceptance to your children and loved ones. Hardly a day goes by that I don’t get an e-mail (and, yes, “snail mail” too)

from a joyful, now-grown child whose aging parent finally gave him the blessing for the first time—or from a child who went out of her way to return the blessing to her father or mother and changed their relationship for the better. I hear from athletes and students who never received the blessing at home but who found those life-changing actions and words modeled by a coach, teacher, or youth leader. And I get to read or hear about the excitement and commitment of new fathers and mothers determined to give their newborn child a gift they missed themselves. Which leads us to today, to this very special edition of The Blessing—an

ancient, relational, biblical tool whose time has come.

A CALL TO ACTION

Every so often, there comes a unique time, opportunity, or experience. I believe all three happened when you picked up this book. Today is indeed a unique time for you to take part in a significant challenge

that launches with this book. Along the way, you will learn about an unparalleled opportunity to create a

radically positive experience that can be nothing short of life changing for you and for a child in your life. This new edition of The Blessing trumpets a call to action for a huge gathering

of parents—literally one million of them—from every corner of our country and world. Men and women who know it’s time to go counterculture and do something truly great in this age of just getting along.1

What is that something great? Changing the life of just one child. And how will it get done? You guessed it—through the blessing. A powerful relational tool, whose elements were first shared in the Bible, The

Blessing continues to be reconfirmed in both ongoing and completed clinical studies, providing a model for a strong, thriving family. It’s a way of helping children (and adults) experience at the deepest level of their hearts the certainty that they are highly valued and forever treasured by someone incredibly significant in their life stories. And it lays out a simple path to follow—five specific actions parents or other caring persons can take, no matter how busy their lives or challenging their circumstances.2

The Blessing is not just for children, of course. As we’ll see, the principles in this book can transform marriages, friendships, and adult-sibling relationships. Grown children—even those whose parents refused to accept and affirm them— have used these principles to reach out to those very parents in blessing. But because childhood experiences are so powerful in shaping lives, the primary focus of this book is helping adults, especially parents, to give the blessing to children or, as we have said, to just one child. We all have heard (and by now have mostly grown numb to) television

commercials that tug on our heartstrings and implore us to “help the children”— meaning poor kids out there in a different part of town or another country. That’s a valuable message, but it is not the message of this book. Instead it’s about reaching out to that one child within your reach and letting your blessing become

an agent of life for him or her. Before we get specific about how the blessing works and how you can give it,

let me share with you four reasons why taking the blessing challenge can be so absolutely transformational.

THE BLESSING . . . FIGHTS BACK AGAINST A TOXIC CULTURE

What we are asking you to do in this book runs counter to our dominant culture in these crazy times. With adults working so hard to make ends meet—and some simply preoccupied with their own agendas—there seems to be less and less time for children, and children suffer as a result. Many children struggle today with what experts call attachment disorder.

That’s the failure of children and young adults to create significant bonds with their parents or others as they get older. They stumble down a road toward broken relationships. They enter young adulthood—and later marriage—with a deep desire for connection but without the understanding, modeling, experience, or confidence that they really can build loving, lasting relationships for themselves. They step back from what they want most because they’ve never seen what it looks like to have someone step toward them. These are kids who need to experience the blessing in loving homes right now. Can the blessing challenge reverse this trend? My experience tells me it can make a big difference—by offering you a

strategy for redeeming some of your precious time with your children and strengthening your bond with them. The blessing provides a parenting path that is so practical, so clear, so gently sloped, that if you will just start it, you will soon find yourself gaining momentum in terms of capturing closeness and caring with your family. It offers a way of reclaiming connection with your child no matter how many hours our culture (or your boss) tries to carve out of your month!

THE BLESSING . . . CAN OPEN A CHILD’S HEART TO A LASTING FAITH

According to a recent survey, fully eight out of ten parents report that passing a strong faith to their children was “important” or “very important” to them. Yet while a majority of Americans want these benefits to be a part of their children’s lives and futures, studies also show that it’s not happening. Depending on which study you choose, anywhere from 40 to 70 percent of children who sit in a

second-grade Sunday school class at church today won’t be attending any religious services or meetings when they reach their high-school years. In fact, they won’t be claiming any kind of growing faith at all.3

To understand why this is, it’s crucial to understand how a living faith in Christ is successfully transferred. It doesn’t happen by teaching a set of rules or customs or passing along a set of traditions, though many think of religion this way. Christianity is and has been primarily about a relationship. And the blessing is all about building relationships. When we give children the blessing, we are laying an incredible relational foundation that not only helps them connect with other people but can also prepare their hearts for a relationship with Jesus.

The Blessing Challenge Calling one million parents to choose to change the life of one child by giving them their blessing. And equipping one thousand churches to create an ongoing culture inside their church that helps parents live out the blessing for a lifetime.

Those are two crucial benefits of taking the blessing challenge. You’ll have a tool—no matter how busy you are—to help you battle the cultural phenomenon of attachment disorder with genuine connection. And in learning to give the blessing, you will also be opening a child’s heart to a living, lasting faith. But there’s also a third benefit.

THE BLESSING . . . CAN HELP HEAL THE HURTS FROM THE PAST

Let’s face it. Even those who grow up in the best and most loving of homes can come away with a degree of hurt or disappointment. So how do we cope? Even more important, what can we do to move past the significant damage that a difficult childhood can cause? How can we prevent a painful past from having a negative impact on our present and future relationships? The blessing can make a surprising difference by offering an alternative to damaging self-protective mechanisms we may have developed over the years.4

Children simply don’t have the maturity or understanding to deal with hurt and pain, so they tend to grab on to anything they can find to protect themselves and help them cope. Whatever works—athletic prowess, academic success, good looks, even drugs or alcohol—they want to repeat. By the time they grow up,

they may have created layer upon layer of self-protection. The trouble is, self-protection has a shelf life! Success is fleeting. Looks fade.

Addictive substances and activities can bring dramatic lifelong damage. More important, none of these self-protective mechanisms offer real, unshakable, lasting confidence and connection—which is exactly what the blessing offers. Instead of having to wrap themselves in self-protection, children who receive

the blessing can be freed to pursue God’s best in every area of their lives. And adults can too! My colleague Tony Wheeler and I have seen this again and again in our workshops. As grownups learn to give the blessing to their children, they also learn how to move away from their own hurtful, self-protective pasts. Imagine not having to live in fear of wrinkles or slowing down. Imagine not

having to worry about acquiring all the “toys” someone else has. Imagine moving beyond issues that have held you back for years and finally making peace with your past. That’s another life-changing part of experiencing the blessing from God and others—and a third great benefit of taking the blessing challenge. Here, then, is one last benefit . . .

THE BLESSING . . . IS PART OF YOUR CALL TO A REAL AND RADICAL FAITH

A number of Christian books and messages today call young (and old) believers to a “sold out” life of faith. For example, in reading books such as Crazy Love and Radical, you find a much-needed call to pursue a Great Commission lifestyle as a real-life goal. But adopting a Great Commission or “missional” lifestyle doesn’t mean leaving your important relationships in the dust as you seek to win others for Christ. In fact, if you are not living out a crazy, radical faith and love for Christ with your family and own children first, you have missed a huge first step! Neglecting to give your own child the blessing because you are too busy with

a “higher calling” is to miss the whole point of the gospel. And don’t just take that from me. The apostle Paul, who knew a little bit about leading a sold-out life, made it clear that “if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8 NASB). Building strong relational ties is part of your call to radical, sold-out

Christianity, and the blessing can be one of your most important tools in ministering to your family and to others. In the process, you will give them the

confidence and faith to live their own radical, sold-out lives.

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE CHALLENGE?

So enough with all the benefits of giving and living the blessing. It’s time to start. Here is a road map for what you will find in each section of the book:

• Part 1 shares with you just how important the gift of the blessing can be to children—both today and in preparing for their futures. • Part 2 shines light on the clear, simple path the Lord has laid out for a parent (or another caring adult) to follow in giving and living the blessing. It outlines five specific, proven elements that make up the blessing and shows how you can provide each element. Part 2 also challenges you to consider whether you received the blessing as a child and whether you are giving it to your child right now. • Part 3 takes an honest look at homes that withhold the blessing and the often emotionally and spiritually devastating consequences that result. You will get an eye-opening picture of why we must choose “life over death, blessing over curse” for each child. But you will also discover how Almighty God provides a way of escape from even the most broken and hurtful past. • Part 4 is all about the practicalities of taking the blessing challenge. After understanding what the blessing is and how it can pour hope, life, clarity, and love into a person’s life, it’s time to take that first step down the blessing path. In this section you will be coached on how to begin writing out a blessing for your child, then sitting down with him or her to share your words in what can be an unforgettable experience for both of you. You will also find encouragement and examples to support you as you continue a life of blessing.

SPECIAL FEATURES OF THIS NEW EDITION

In this revised and updated edition of The Blessing, we have built in some additional things to equip and inspire you.

• Living the Blessing. Throughout the book you will have the opportunity to stop reading and respond through questions, exercises, and quick ideas for

applying the blessing to your life. We encourage you to take advantage of these hands-on opportunities. • BlessingLinks. To further encourage and equip you, you will find strategically placed Internet addresses to sites that will connect you to a wealth of additional resources. Some links will take you to a short free video segment that will follow up on what you’ve just read, offering additional encouragement and ideas. Other BlessingLinks will connect you with the community of people and the resources on our website, TheBlessing.com, which is rich with stories, tools, courses, and encouragement. Watch for the BlessingLinks icon:

•The Blessing Challenge. This book contains everything you need to get started giving the blessing to someone you love. But I hope you consider taking part in the larger effort being launched along with this new edition of The Blessing. It’s a national initiative called the Blessing Challenge—with a capital B and a capital C. We are calling one million parents nationwide to take the first step on the blessing path by writing out a blessing and sharing it with a child. And we are challenging and equipping one thousand churches to create an ongoing culture that helps parents live out the blessing for a lifetime. I explain more about this initiative later in the book. I hope you will give some thought to joining the one million parents in a thousand churches who are taking the Blessing Challenge.

Whether or not you choose to join up with the official Blessing Challenge, please be aware that an incredible number of friends and ministries are praying for you and working incredibly hard to do all they can to help you take your first — and second—step down the blessing path. We ask God’s most special blessing on you and your family as you read this book and accept the challenge to change lives for the better.

Congratulations on finishing chapter 1. Please go to TheBlessing.com/Chapter 1 and watch a special video message from Dr. Trent as you start your journey.

PART 1

Why Is the Blessing So Important?

TWO

The Lifelong Search for the Blessing

ALL OF US long to be accepted by others. While we may say out loud, “I don’t care what other people think about me,” on the inside we all yearn for intimacy and affection. This yearning is especially true in our relationships with our parents. Gaining or missing out on parental approval has a tremendous effect on us, even if it has been years since we have had any contact with them. In fact, what happens in our relationship with our parents can greatly affect all our present and future relationships. While this may sound like an exaggeration, our offices have been filled with people struggling with this very issue, people just like Brian and Nancy.

THE CRUSHING OF BRIAN’S DREAM

“Please say that you love me, please!” Brian’s words trailed off into tears as he leaned over the now-still form of his father. It was late at night in a large metropolitan hospital. Only the cold, white walls and the humming of a heart monitor kept Brian company. His tears revealed a deep inner pain and sensitivity that had tormented him for years. The emotional wounds now seemed beyond repair. Brian had flown nearly halfway across the country to be at his father’s side in <

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