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Managing Conflict through Communication

Fifth Edition

DuDlEy D. Cahn Professor Emeritus

State University of New York, New Paltz

Ruth anna abigail Professor Emeritus

Azusa Pacific University

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Editor in Chief: Ashley Dodge Senior Acquisitions Editor: Melissa Mashburn Editorial Assistant: Megan Hermida Executive Marketing Manager: Kelly May Marketing Coordinator: Theresa Rotondo Senior Digital Media Editor: Paul DeLuca Digital Media Editor: Lisa Dotson Production Manager: Fran Russello Full Service Project Coordination: Shylaja Gattupalli / Jouve India Private Limited Art Director: Jayne Conte Cover Designer: Karen Salzback Cover images: Fotolia: © Michael Brown Printer/Binder: Courier Companies Inc.

Credits and acknowledgments borrowed from other sources and reproduced, with permission, in this textbook appear on the appropriate page within text.

© Ruth Anna Abigail/Pearson Education, pages 18, 33, 136, 180, 272; © Dudley D. Cahn/ Pearson Education, pages 20, 58, 62, 99.

Copyright © 2014, by Pearson Education, Inc. All rights reserved. Manufactured in the United States of America. This publication is protected by Copyright, and permission should be obtained from the publisher prior to any prohibited reproduction, storage in a retrieval system, or transmission in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or likewise. To obtain permission(s) to use material from this work, please submit a written request to Pearson Education, Inc., Permissions Department, One Lake Street, Upper Saddle River, New Jersey 07458, or you may fax your request to 201‐236‐3290.

Library of Congress Cataloging‐in‐Publication Data Cahn, Dudley D.

Managing conflict through communication / Dudley D. Cahn, Ruth Anna Abigail.—5th ed. p. cm.

Ruth Anna Abigail appears as the first named author on the previous edition. ISBN 978-0-205-86213-9 — ISBN 0-205-86213-6

1. Conflict (Psychology) 2. Interpersonal conflict. 3. Conflict management. I. Abigail, Ruth Anna. II. Title.

BF637.I48L85 2013 303.6—dc23

2012037218

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1—CRW— 15 14 13 12

ISBN 13: 978-0-205-86213-9 ISBN 10: 0-205-86213-6

iii

Preface ix

PART I Managing the Conflict Process

CHAPTER 1 introduction to the Study of Conflict Communication 1

Objectives 1

Key Terms 1

What This Textbook Offers You 2

The Nature of Conflict 3 Defining Interpersonal Conflict 3 The Inevitability of Conflict 5

Conflict Management 7 Defining Conflict Management

as a Skill 7 Linear and Transactional Approaches

to Communication 8 Destructive and Productive Conflict

Communication Processes 11 Negative View of Conflict 17 Learning to Respect Others: Civility as a

Response to Conflict 20

Manage It 22

Exercises 24

Notes 27

CHAPTER 2 Communication Options in Conflict 29

Objectives 29

Key Terms 29

C o n T E n T s

Intangible Conflict Issues 30

Conflict Communication Options 32

Dysfunctional Conflict Cycles 32 Avoiding/Accommodating Conflict

Communication as an Option 33 Competitive Conflict Communication as an

Option 37 Passive–Aggressive Communication as an

Option 39

Functional Conflict Cycles 42 Compromising Conflict Communication as an

Option 42 Collaborating Conflict Communication as an

Option 42 Avoiding Early Compromising 43

Collaboration: The Preferred Approach 43 Low Personal and Relationship

Stress 47 High Personal and Relationship Growth and

Satisfaction 48

Communication Considerations: Choosing the Appropriate Communication Option 48 The Occasion (Including Time and

Location) 48 The Other Person 49 Your Needs 49

Manage It 50

Exercises 51

Notes 53

CHAPTER 3 Managing Conflict from a theoretical Perspective 55

Objectives 55

Key Terms 55

iv Contents

PART II breaking the Cycle of Escalation

CHAPTER 5 Managing Violent tendencies 109

Objectives 109

Key Terms 109

Why Are People Violent? 110 Culture of Violence Theory 110 General Aggression Model 110

Interpersonal Violence Defined 111 Identifying the Potentially Violent Conflict

Communicator 111 Verbal Abuse 112 Nonverbal Aggression (Physical

Violence) 113 Gender Differences 113

Two Types of Interpersonal Violence 114 The Interpersonal Violence Cycle 114 The “Chilling Effect” Cycle 115

Communication Approaches to the Study of Interpersonal Violence 117 The Communicator Personality Trait

Approach 117 The Communication Cognition Approach 118 The Communication Interaction

Approach 121

Conflict May Be Inevitable but Violence Is Not 122 Dealing with Patriarchal Violence 123 Dealing with Parental Violence 123 Dealing with Alcohol and Jealousy 124 Dealing with Violence in the Workplace 126

Manage It 128

Exercises 129

Notes 131

CHAPTER 6 Managing the Conflict Climate 134

Objectives 134

Key Terms 134

Intrapersonal Theories of Conflict 56 Psychodynamic Theory 57 Attribution Theory 61 Uncertainty Theory 63

Relationship Theories of Conflict 66 Social Exchange Theory 66 Systems Theory 70

Manage It 72

Exercises 73

Notes 76

CHAPTER 4 Responding to Conflict: a Practical guide to Managing your Own Conflicts 78

Objectives 78

Key Terms 78

The S–TLC System 79 Stopping: Taking Time Out 79 Thinking about the Conflict 79 Listening in Conflict Situations 81 Communicating in Conflict Situations:

Asserting Yourself 82

The Six–Step Confrontation Process 84

I–Statements: Avoiding Defensiveness 88 Components of I–Statements 90 Advantages of Using I–Statements 91 Challenges Associated with

I–Statements 91 Learning to Be Creative When Managing

Conflicts 92 Defining Creativity 92 Trained Incapacities 92 Not Recognizing Your Creativity 93 Creativity as Thinking Differently 94 Creativity as Seeing Differently 96

Manage It 100

Exercises 101

Exercise: “Managing an Interpersonal Conflict” 105

Notes 107

Contents v

Conflict Climate 135 Harmful Conflict Climate 135 Nurturing Conflict Climate 135 Converting Power Differences in

Conflicts 136 Converting Competition to

Cooperation 142 Converting Distrust to Trust and Avoiding

Unhealthy Trust 143 Converting Defensiveness to Supportive

Behavior 146 Overcoming Groupthink by Assertive Individual

Responsibility 149

Manage It 152

Exercises 153

Notes 155

CHAPTER 7 Managing Face 157

Objectives 157

Key Terms 157

Understanding the Demands of Face 158

Two Types of Face: Positive and Autonomous Face 160

Face Management 162 Preventive Face Management 162 Supportive Face Management 164 Corrective Face Management 165 Repair Rituals 166 Reactions to Face Management 170 Conflict and Impression Management

in Cyberspace 170

Manage It 172

Exercises 173

Notes 174

CHAPTER 8 Managing Stress and anger 177

Objectives 177

Key Terms 177

Stress Management 178 Types of Stress: Eustress, Hypostress,

Hyperstress, and Distress 178 The Activities Approach 180 The ABC Model of Stress 181 Self-Talk 183 Developing a Playful Spirit 185 Changing How We Look at Life’s

Challenges 186

Anger Management 187 Experiencing Anger 189 Anger as a Secondary Emotion 190 Three Common Ways People Manage Their

Anger 191 Before Expressing Anger: Dos and Don’ts 194 While Interacting: Dos and Don’ts 195 Responding to Another’s Anger 195

Manage It 197

Exercises 198

Notes 201

CHAPTER 9 Managing Conflict through Forgiveness 203

Objectives 203

Key Terms 203

The Need for Forgiveness and Reconciliation 204 Relational Transgressions Defined 204 Defining Forgiveness and Reconciliation 206

Advantages of Forgiveness 207 Forgiveness Benefits Our Mental Health 207 Forgiveness Benefits Our Physical Health 208 So Why Don’t People Forgive? 208

Working Through Forgiveness and Reconciliation 209 Learning to Forgive 209 Levels of Forgiveness 210 Levels of Reconciliation 211 For Those Who Seek Forgiveness 212

Steps Toward Forgiveness and Possible Reconciliation 213 Step One: The Account and the Apology 214

vi Contents

Step Two: Acceptance of an Account and an Apology or Its Absence 214

Step Three: Forgiveness May or May Not Be Communicated 215

Step Four: Transforming the Relationship, if Desired 215

Step Five: Actions Confirm Forgiveness and Reconciliation 216

Moving Beyond Victimization 217

Manage It 219

Exercises 220

Notes 222

PART III broadening Our understanding of Conflict Processes

CHAPTER 10 Managing Win–lose Conflicts through negotiation 226

Objectives 226

Key Terms 226

The Need for Negotiation 227 Defining Tangible Conflict Issues 227

Negotiation Basics 229 Competitive Negotiation 231 Cooperative Negotiation 231

Generating More Options 232 Brainstorming 232 Focus on Interests Rather than

Positions 233 Cost Cutting 234 Compensation 235 Prioritizing 235 Base Decisions on Objective Criteria 236 Converting Competitive Negotiation into

Cooperation 237

Manage It 240

Exercises 241

Notes 245

CHAPTER 11 Managing Others’ Disputes through Mediation 247

Objectives 247

Key Terms 247

The Need for Mediation 248 Dispute Defined 248 Alternatives to Dispute Resolution 248 The Value of Mediation 249

Formal versus Informal Mediation 249

The Role of the Mediator 250 Mediator Skills 251 Mediators as Communication Rules

Enforcers 253

The Mediation Process: Step by Step 254 Intake 254 Opening Statement 255 The Conflicting Parties’ Views of the

Dispute 256 Common Ground 258 Final Agreement 259 Ending the Mediation 261

Manage It 262

Exercises 262

Notes 266

CHAPTER 12 Managing Conflict in the Workplace 267

Objectives 267

Key Terms 267

Conflicts Arising out of Differences in Goal Seeking 269 Instrumental/Task Conflict 269 Relationship Conflict 270 Identity Conflict 270 Process Conflict 271 Conflicting Goals 272

Conflicts at Different Stages of Group Development 272 The Forming Phase 273 The Storming Phase 273

Contents vii

The Norming Phase 274 The Performing Phase 274 The Termination Phase 275

Conflicts due to Differences in Role Expectations 275 Task Roles 275 Maintenance Roles 276 Disruptive Roles 276

How to Manage Workplace Conflict 277 Adapting the S-TLC Model 277 Adapting the Six Steps to Effective

Confrontation 278 Adapting the Communication Options 280

Conflicts due to Differences in People: Diversity in the Workplace 281

Conflicts due to Pressures from Outside the Workplace: Work–Life Conflicts 282 Defining Work–Life Conflict 282 Causes of Work–Life Conflict 282 Suggestions for Dealing with Work–Life

Conflict 283

Conflicts with Bullies: Workplace Bullying 285 Defining Bullying and Cyberbullying 285 Managing Bullies 286

Manage It 288

Exercises 290

Notes 293

CHAPTER 13 Managing Social Conflict 296

Objectives 296

Key Terms 296

The Clash of Worldviews: Intractable Issues 297 What Is a Worldview? 298 What Is Your Worldview? 300 The Importance of Your Worldview 301 Patriotism and Nationalism 302

When Worldviews Clash: Conflicts between You and “the Other” 303 Who Is the Other? 303 Ways of Approaching “the Other”: Critical

and Ripeness Theories 307 Embracing “the Other” 311 Managing Conflict through Nonviolent

Communication 311

Manage It 313

Exercises 314

Notes 318

index 321

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ix

DEAlIng wITH ConflICT REmAIns CHAllEngIng As we coauthors worked on revising our textbook for the fifth time, we reflected on all that has gone on in our lives since we started collaborating so many years ago. A lot has happened to each of us over these many years. These significant events jolted us into reality and forced us to consider our subject from new per- spectives resulting in the fifth edition of our textbook.

While much has changed for us in recent years, one principle has held steadfast throughout all editions of our book: Many people still have a strong need to study conflict. People tend to feel negatively about conflict, and they do not handle con- frontations well. We believe that the common mismanagement of conflict explains the bad name given to the subject. We intend to help you learn more constructive attitudes and more positive conflict management and resolution skills, so that you feel less apprehensive about engaging in interpersonal conflict and better able to manage and resolve it.

Conflict continues to be one of the “grand challenges” of our time, occurring because of deep divisions in our society that carry over into our interpersonal rela- tionships. There are cultural divides between ethnic, racial, and religious groups. There are political and value barriers that separate conservatives and liberals. There are gender gaps between the sexes. There are economic and power divides between upper and lower economic and social classes. There are age barriers between our younger and older citizens. When these divides carry over into interpersonal rela- tions, even people of similar backgrounds find differences difficult to overcome.

Where there is a divide, we communication teachers and researchers look for bridges. It is no surprise then that we have identified communication as the essen- tial bridge in overcoming conflicts. As a first step the conflicting parties must meet to deal with the issues that divide them. They must take time out of their busy schedules, allocate resources they may find limited, pay attention to matters they may consider unimportant or frustrating, and listen in order to learn how to bridge the gap that separates them. Meeting together and paying attention to the issues and each other is an important first step, but more is needed. In this next step, the conflicting parties must communicate. How do they do that? What do they say? How do they say it? Because they have thoroughly researched the communication processes in conflict situations, communication scholars have a great deal to offer students interested in studying conflict. They

• offer a wide variety of tools for successfully managing conflict situations. • are sensitive to ethical concerns as they create solutions to challenges such

as conflict. • view communication, conflict, the management of conflict, anger, stress,

forgiveness, negotiation, and mediation as processes.

PREfACE

x Preface

• study the role of stress and negative attitudes as key contributors to conflict— anger as an escalator of conflict and emotional residues as barriers to reconciliation.

The purpose of this textbook is to apply these contributions to the effective man- agement of conflict. While the challenge of conflict initially appears enormous, the subject is divisible into more manageable parts or learning modules. Moreover, as a discipline, communication has identified many principles and techniques that prevent conflicts from turning violent and damaging the conflicting parties and their relationship. Some of these principles and techniques are preventive in nature; others repair channels of communication and restore relations.

wHAT Is nEw In THIs EDITIon? If we just consider all that has happened to us since our last edition, we are sur- prised at how much we wanted to change and add for this edition. Meanwhile, our students have caused us to realize that revising is necessary to better relate to them. They wanted more clarification, less redundancy, and longer treatment of some topics and less on others. They expressed their confusion to us and need for our help as they waded through the complex and challenging subject of interpersonal conflict. So what is different this time around? A lot!

• We have added a new chapter on interpersonal violence (titled Chapter 5: Managing Violent Tendencies), a topic that is receiving more attention in the study of communication and conflict.

• The theory chapter has been moved forward in the book and is now Chapter 3. • The chapters on negotiation and mediation have been moved to Part III as

Chapters 10 and 11. • We combined the previously separate chapters on anger and stress into

Chapter 8. • Many chapters have been strengthened by adding theories and the findings of

recent research studies that relate specifically to that topic. • To make the text more useful to instructors who use classroom activities or teach

in a discussion format, most chapters now include an exercise that captures the key idea of the chapter and a discussion assignment that applies the chapter’s key ideas to a case study.

Our readership presents a challenge. While most college students continue to fall into the 18–22 single group who are interested in conflict issues related to dating, teachers, parents, and roommates, there are increasingly more “nontra- ditional” students taking college courses online and who reflect an older group, married or divorced, with children, and long‐term employment, planning soon to retire, or presently serving our country in the military. They are more interested in issues related to their marriage, family, retirement, and military or workplace. We have tried to include issues and conflict examples that reflect the diversity of our students.

However, regardless of their age and marital status, we are struck by the fact that our students continue to come to us with little previous conflict training. Students of

Preface xi

all ages would like to know exactly how to confront someone they know personally and how to better manage their present conflicts. They want to know specifically what to say and exactly how to say it. Introducing the S‐TLC system for responding to conflict, six steps to successful confrontation, and how to create effectively worded I‐statements in Part I of the text responds to the students’ need to learn immediately how to effectively deal with problems and issues they are presently facing.

As in the previous edition, Part I is intended to serve as an introduction to the study of conflict. Part II continues to emphasize the factors that escalate conflict and techniques for de‐escalating it. However, we changed Part III to the idea of broadening the study of conflict to include negotiation, mediation, workplace con- flict, and social conflict. Thus, the new edition addresses a wider variety of social contexts of interest to our students.

Throughout the textbook, we continue to provide practical advice concerning conflict along with theoretical notions about it. Each chapter is a learning module, beginning with specific objectives, followed by instruction including a summary clearly tied to the opening objectives, and finally ending with practical exercises that apply key ideas in the chapter to learners’ lives and case studies. Our think- ing is that successfully doing the exercises is an indication that our students have mastered the content.

As you use this book, remember that conflict often results in personal change. Expect to question thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you have taken for granted in the past and to add new ideas and actions to your ways of thinking and behaving.

lEE’s ACknowlEDgmEnTs Although I am officially Dudley Cahn, I am known to my students, colleagues, and friends by the nickname of Lee. As in previous editions, I have my students to thank for their help and input. This is probably due to the fact that I now teach this course entirely online, which is quite a different experience from teaching face to face. Students seem more open to express themselves online, revealing what they don’t know as much as what they do. From their comments, I am able to determine their needs and problems reading the text, doing the assignments, and discussing the key ideas. Because I found myself explaining more to my online students, I feel that there is a better way to organize the chapters and explain some of the key concepts and principles. Thanks to my students for their input and encouragement, the end result is a clearer work with a broader perspective than our earlier editions.

As I have done in earlier works, I would like to express my appreciation to the many scholars who have shared with me over the years their ideas on interpersonal conflict. Among them (in alphabetical order) are William Benoit, Nancy Burrell, Daniel Canary, Steve Duck, Sally Lloyd, Loreen Olson, Michael Roloff, Ray Ross, Teresa Sabourin, Stella Ting‐Toomey, Steve Wilson, and Dolf Zillmann. Although my mentors have passed on, I want to acknowledge the important role they played in my life: Charles Brown, Donald Cushman, and Clare Danielsson. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t reflect on the influence these people had on me.

As a result of recently editing a scholarly book on family violence for SUNY Press, I learned a lot about conflict from my contributors. I would like to thank

xii Preface

Nancy Brule, Jessica Eckstein, SuZanne Enck‐Wanzer, Loreen N. Olson, Felicia Roberts, Angela Swanson, Mari Elenar Villar, and Steven R. Wilson for helping me better understand how interpersonal conflict can lead to violent behavior.

Obviously, I have my coauthor to thank for her willingness to again work with me. The first edition was her textbook alone, but I have been privileged to work with her starting with our second and subsequent editions. We alternate the role of senior author, so that each of us has an opportunity to take the work in a little different direction and run with it. I am pleased that Ruth Anna let me pilot the ship this time around, while she monitored and approved the changes I pro- posed. Although we alternate senior authorship, we continue to collaborate and take mutual responsibility for each revision.

I also have my spouse to thank for her patience, understanding, and willing- ness to put up with my mood swings and occasional fuzziness she could see in my eyes as I would swing from attention to inattention, which occurred as I reflected on what I had recently written or realized that I should have written instead. Sharon has strongly encouraged my writing efforts and allowed me a lot of time and the necessary space to accomplish this project as she did for the ones before. I appreciate the fact that, while we have learned how to collaborate as our marriage evolved, she did not see these revisions as issues for family conflicts.

Finally, I would like to acknowledge the role our adult children, Leanne Richards, Cort Happle, and Katherine Karpinski, have played in our lives and our four grandchildren, Jessica and Daria Richards, and Ethan and Kolby Karpinski.

RuTH AnnA’s ACknowlEDgmEnTs I want to first say thank you to Lee for his hard work on this edition. He really made it possible. It would not have happened if I were leading the task this time.

I’d also like to thank the many students who used this book in my classes and offered suggestions for revisions, as well as letting me use their stories to illustrate important points. I’d also like to thank Barbara Baker and Shelley Lane. We all met at USC in 1979 and it would be hard for me to estimate the impact both have had on my life. Thanks, my good friends!

Thank you to the members of the School of Adult and Professional Studies at Azusa Pacific University, and Fred Garlett (EJ), my dean, who have all been a great support to me in my scholarly endeavors. Thanks especially to the “hall people” who help me maintain sanity and perspective: Frank Berry, Brent Wood, Stephanie Fenwick, and Sarah Visser, and colleague Gordon Jorgenson, who loves to make me laugh. Special thanks also to the Circle of Friends: Julia Underwood, Trish Hanes, Leah Klingseis, Rebecca Knippelmeyer, Caron Rand, Gillian Symonds, Joyce Kirk‐Moore, and Melanie Weaver, and to my friends David Esselstrom, Doug Campbell, Joseph Smith, and Murray Flagg—you all know why.

Finally, I thank my family for all they do to help me be the person I am: my adult children, Kathy and David Lulofs, my dogs, Elisa and Jacques, and my sister, Vicki McGuire.

2 chapter

11

1 chapter

O b j e c t i v e s At the end of this chapter, you should be able to:

Introduction to the Study of Conflict Communication

• Define interpersonal conflict and give examples of conflict situations.

• Define conflict management and explain how it has the potential to convert potentially destructive interpersonal conflicts into productive ones.

• Explain why the transactional model of communication is preferable to the linear model for managing conflict situations.

• Define process and pick a successfully resolved conflict to describe in terms of the five stages of constructive, successful conflict.

• Explain why many people view conflict negatively and how they could view it positively.

• Define civility and explain why it is a problem today and what can be done about it.

K e y t e r m s accuracy adversely affect

relationships civility communication conflict communication conflict management conflict metaphor conflict resolution cycle destructive conflict differentiation phase

incompatible goals incompatible means inevitability of conflict

principle initiation phase interdependence interpersonal conflict linear model of

communication meta‐conflict perspective negative view of conflict positive view of conflict

prelude to conflict problematic situation process process view of conflict

communication productive conflict resolution phase sense of urgency transactional model of

communication triggering event

2 chapter 1 Introduction to the Study of Conflict Communication

Conflict is one of the grand challenges of our time. It occurs because there are deep divisions in our society that carry over into our interpersonal rela- tionships. There are cultural divides between ethnic, racial, and religious

groups. There are political and value barriers that separate conservatives and lib- erals, gender gaps between the sexes, economic and power divides between upper

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