“I” messages
When needing to address an issue, using “I” messages has been found to be an effective way to address the problem while lessening the likeliness that the person receiving the message will react in a defensive manner and hopefully an effective solution can be found.
“I” messages have 4 basic components:
NONJUDGEMENTAL description of the person’s behavior
Do NOT make accusations (ex. “You are so selfish!”), make assumptions (ex. “They are trying to manipulate me!”), label the behavior (ex. “Asinine!”). Simply describe the behavior in objective terms.
Your FEELINGS about the behavior
The CONCRETE EFFECTS on you
A REQUEST and an INVITATION to respond
Example Scenario: Wife often tells friends embarrassing stories about her husband when they socialize with friends.
Nonjudgmental statement: Husband: When you tell your friends private stories about embarrassing things that have happened to me, like the time I got diarrhea on a roller coaster.
Feelings: I feel humiliated and disrespected.
Concrete effects: It causes me to not want to socialize with your friends and feel resentment towards you.
A request/invitation: Will you please ask me permission before telling a potentially embarrassing story about me?
Now it’s your turn to practice “I” messages.
Click on the assignment link and for each scenario write an “I” message making sure to include all 4 components.
Assignment
1. You have an 8:00 am class, but your roommate often keeps you up late at night, either by inviting friends over to your dorm room or laughing loudly at videos on their phone. You are in dire need of sleep and your grades are suffering.
2. You have a roommate/partner who frequently leaves the shared living space messy. This has been causing you stress and frustration, especially during exam periods when a clean and organized space is crucial for your concentration and study habits.
3. Think about a situation in your own life where it may be beneficial to address a problem using an “I” message. Describe the circumstance and follow up with writing an “I” message to address the issue.
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