Submit a 1-page proposal based on instructions and rubric describing the situation and person with whom you have a personal conflict that is unresolved. This personal conflict can be

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Part 4 – Go and Be Reconciled

Introduction

Peacemaker Workbook | 2

Contents

Part One: Glorify God

1- Conflict Provides Opportunities 4

2 – Live at Peace 6

3 – Trust in the Lord and Do Good 8

Part Two: Get the Log out of Your Eye

4 – Is This Really Worth Fighting Over? 10

5 – Conflict Starts in the Heart 12

6 – Confession Brings Freedom 14

Part Three: Gently Restore

7 – Just Between the Two of You 16

8 – Speak the Truth in Love 18

9 – Take One or Two Others Along 20

Part Four: Go and Be Reconciled

10 -Forgive as God Forgave You 22

11 – Look Also to the Interests of Others 25

12 – Overcome Evil with Good 27

Scripture quotations are from the New International Version, copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society.

Copyright © 2005 by Ken Sande

www.rw360.org

Rev. 5.0

This workbook is designed to help you resolve conflict in an effective and biblically faithful manner. In particular, it can help you to:

· Understand how a conflict began and is being prolonged

· Plan how to take responsibility for your contribution to a conflict

· Decide when and how to confront others regarding their wrongs

· Plan what you will say to others and how you will respond to their words and actions

· Negotiate just and reasonable agreements

· Overcome roadblocks to forgiveness and reconciliation

· Get help from other Christians when you cannot resolve a conflict in private

· Decide how to respond to people who refuse to deal with conflict in a reasonable manner

The principles and questions in this workbook are taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Ken Sande, 3rd ed., Baker Books, 2004). You will find this workbook to be most helpful if you read the corresponding chapter in The Peacemaker before you attempt to answer the questions. To assist you in your study, many of the questions are followed by a reference to the related pages in The Peacemaker (e.g., "PM @ 5-7") and to key Bible passages.

This workbook may be used in two ways. First, it can serve as a self-study guide to help you plan how to resolve a conflict personally and privately. Second, if you need assistance from others to resolve a dispute, this workbook can help you to organize and communicate your thoughts and concerns as you seek their counsel.

May the Lord use this workbook to help you discern what will please and honor Him as you respond to conflict.

Ken Sande

1

Conflict Provides Opportunities

1 Corinthians 10:31-11, the apostle Paul teaches that conflict provides opportunities to glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ. This concern for faithfulness to God, compassion and mercy toward others, and righteous behavior is echoed throughout Scripture. In Micah 6:8 we are told, "He has showed you, 0 man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." In the same way, Jesus teaches us to pay attention to "the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness" (Matt. 23:23). As you live out the gospel and make the Lord's priorities your priorities, you can turn every conflict into a stepping-stone to a closer relationship with God and a more fulfilling and fruitful Christian life.

1. Briefly summarize your dispute as you perceive it, placing events in chronological order. Include what you have done to resolve the dispute. (Use additional paper if necessary.)

2. Which response to conflict (escape, attack, or peacemaking) have you been using to resolve this dispute? (See the Slippery Slope diagram, PM @ 22-27.) How has your response made the situation better or worse?

3. From this point on, how could you glorify God through this conflict? (PM @ 29-34; see 1 Cor. 10:31; 1 Pet. 2:12; Prov. 3:5-7; Eph. 5:1; John 14:15-31). Specifically, how could you please and honor God in this situation?

4. How could you serve others through this conflict? ( PM @ 34-36; see Luke 6:27-28; Gal. 6:1-2; Rom. 12:20; Matt. 18:15)

5. How could you grow to be more like Christ through this conflict? (PM @ 36-37; see 2 Cor. 12:710; Eph. 4:22-24; Col. 3:12-18)

Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 1 in The Peacemaker

2

Live at Peace

The message given by Jesus and the apostles is resoundingly clear: Whether our conflicts involve minor irritations or major legal issues, God is eager to display his love and power through us as we strive to maintain peace and unity with those around us. Therefore, peacemaking is not an optional activity for a believer. If you have committed your life to Christ, he invites you to draw on his grace and commands you to seek peace with others. Token efforts will not satisfy this command; God wants you to strive earnestly, diligently, and continually to maintain harmonious relationships with those around you. Your dependence on him and obedience to this call will show the power of the gospel and enable you to enjoy the personal peace that God gives to those who faithfully follow him.

1. Have you made peace with God by accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior, Lord, and King? (PM (a 43-45; see John 3:16; Acts 16:31) If not, you can do so right now by sincerely praying this prayer:

Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I realize that my good deeds could never make up for my wrongs. I need your forgiveness. I believe that you died for my sins, and I want to turn away from them. I trust you now to be my Savior, and with your help I will follow you as my Lord and King, in the fellowship of your church.

If you have prayed this prayer, it is essential that you find fellowship with other Christians in a church where the Bible is faithfully taught and applied. This fellowship will help you to learn more about God and be strengthened in your faith.

2. Are you experiencing the kind of internal peace you desire? If not, why? (PM @ 46-47; see Isa. 26:3; 32:17; 48:18)

3. Are you at peace with other people? If not, from whom are you estranged? Why? Will you go to seek reconciliation? (PM @ 46; see Rom. 12:18; Matt. 5:23-24)

4. How could this conflict damage your witness or the reputation of Christ? (PM @ 47-50; see John 13:34; 17:20-23)

5. Have you been striving earnestly to resolve this dispute or giving only partial efforts to make peace? (PM @ 51-53; 1 Cor. 1:10; Eph. 4:1-3)

6. Read Ephesians 4:29-32. Are you thinking, speaking, or acting in a way that might grieve the Holy Spirit? (PM @ 53)

Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 2 in The Peacemaker

3

Trust in the Lord and Do Good

When you are involved in a conflict, you must decide whether or not you will trust God. Trusting God does not mean believing that he will do all that you want, but rather believing that he will do everything he knows is good. If you do not trust God, you will inevitably place your trust in yourself or another person, which ultimately leads to grief. On the other hand, if you believe that God is sovereign and that he will never allow anything into your life unless it can be used for good, you will see conflicts not as accidents, but as opportunities. This kind of trust glorifies God and inspires the faithfulness needed for effective peacemaking.

1. Have you been looking at this dispute as something that happened by chance, as something done to you by someone else, or as something that God allowed in your life for a specific purpose? (PM @ 59-65; see Rom. 8:28-29; Ps. 32:10)

2. What questions, doubts, or fears do you have because of this dispute?

3. Read Psalms 37 and 73. What do these psalms warn you not to do?

· What do they instruct you to do?

· List the comforting promises they provide.

4. How would your feelings, attitudes, and behavior change if you started seeing this dispute as an assignment from a perfectly loving and all-powerful God? (See Matt. 26:42; 2 Tim. 1:12; 1 Pet. 2:23)

5. What good might God bring about if you respond to this conflict in a biblical manner?

Part 1 – Glorify God

Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 3 in The Peacemaker

4

Is This Really Worth Fighting Over?

Some conflicts can be properly resolved only through confession, confrontation, forgiveness, and negotiation. But there are many more that can be properly resolved simply by overlooking minor offenses or relinquishing rights for the sake of God's kingdom. Therefore, before focusing on your rights, take a careful look at your responsibilities. Before you go to remove the speck from your brother's eye, ask yourself, "Is this really worth fighting over?”

1. Describe the material issues in this conflict.

2. Describe the personal issues or offenses in this conflict.

3. Check your attitude (PM @ 83-90; see Phil. 4:2-8):

· What can you "rejoice in the Lord" about in this situation?

· Write down everything you can think of that is noble, right, or admirable about the other person in this dispute, including good memories or ways God has blessed you through that person.

4. What rights, legally or morally, do you have in this situation?

5. How might exercising these rights glorify God, advance his kingdom, benefit others, and benefit you?

6. How might laying down these rights glorify God, advance his kingdom, benefit others, and benefit you?

7. Which of the personal issues or offenses described in your answer to question 2 can you simply overlook? How might overlooking them please and honor God?

8. Which of the material issues described in your answer to question 1 can you simply give in on?

Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 4 in The Peacemaker

5

Conflict Starts in the Heart

James 4:1-3 provides a key principle for understanding and resolving conflict. Whenever we have a serious dispute with others, we should look carefully at our own hearts to see whether we are being controlled by unmet desires that we have turned into idols. These desires often disguise themselves as things we need or deserve, or as things that would advance God's kingdom. But no matter how good or legitimate a desire may look on the surface, if we have gotten to the point where we cannot be content, fulfilled, or secure unless we have it, that desire has evolved into an idol that diverts our love and trust from God. Fortunately, God delights in delivering us from our slavery to idols and enabling us to find true freedom, fulfillment, and security in his love and provision. And as we break free from the desires that have fueled our conflicts, we can resolve seemingly hopeless disputes and become more effective peacemakers.

Answer the following question with regard to this situation to identify desires that may have grown into controlling demands. (PM @ 102-106)

1. What am I preoccupied with?

· How would I fill in this blank? "If only________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure with regard to this situation."

· What do I want to preserve or avoid at any cost?

· What do I fear may happen in this situation?

· When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression?

· Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?

2. How are your expectations of others magnifying your demands on them and your disappointment in their failure to meet your desires? (PM @ 107)

3. How are you judging those who do not meet your desires? Are you feeling indignation, condemnation, bitterness, resentment, or anger? (PM @ 106-108)

4. How are you judging those who do not meet your desires? Are you feeling indignation, condemnation, bitterness, resentment, or anger? (PM @ 106-108)

5. If you have identified any desires that have grown into idols in this situation, confess them to God and take hold of his wonderful love and promises as being far superior to anything this world can offer. (PM @ 109-114)

Digging Deeper >> See additional questions at the end of chapter 5 in The Peacemaker