The enclosed proposal is being submitted in response to the risks in parking garages [KC1] due to a lack of conveniently reachable fire extinguishers.

Note:

I want to improve my memo. Can someone help me out by improving that my instructor wanted?

After the memo there are comments that are needed to improve Memo:

Here is the Memo, improve or give suggestion on paragraphs by following criteria listed after the memo: 

Memo

Dear

The enclosed proposal is being submitted in response to the risks in parking garages [KC1] due to a lack of conveniently reachable fire extinguishers. As a group, we considered how to address this issue by identifying distinct problems that contribute to it. A reader will obtain an awareness of what problems might arise and how to avoid them by reading this proposal.

The University of Texas at Dallas[KC2]  prioritizes student safety; however, students would struggle to locate fire extinguishers in the parking garage in case of fire. After determining the issue, we looked for county, region, state, and federal policies that would best address the situation. According to OSHA regulations, “Each fire extinguisher will be plainly visible with nothing preventing or hiding it from view” [1].[KC3]  Currently, fire extinguishers are positioned in the middle of parking lots, making it[KC4]  impossible for people to notice the extinguishers. Therefore, for convenience and safety, our team suggests that the fire extinguishers be put on pillars that are painted red, next to the exit, and in the middle of the parking space[KC5] s.

The proposal from my team will be ready to submit on December 12, 2022. Please let me know if you require any further details or if I can help with any inquiries. I’ll be happy to assist you. My contact information is “xyzzy or “123”[KC6] .

Here are the comments from instructor. please look at it and made a change. 

 [KC1]You are not submitting a proposal; if you propose something, you are stating that you can see the solution through to the end. (Did you plan to paint the posts?)

You are not responding to the risks; you need to explain that the report is a project for a class and provide the recipient with information to know the context.

 [KC2]Remove nonspecific language (ambiguity), like “makes a lot of effort to.”

 [KC3]Remove details in the letter and summary that require citations; move this specific information to the narrative in the report.

 [KC4]Remove indefinite pronouns throughout the document.

 [KC5]The extinguishers already are in the middle of parking spaces. 

 [KC6]Revise to build cohesion.

Remove all of the “extra” information; write clearly and concisely.