What do you think are the weakest or least successful parts of the story? Why? Write specific suggestions to improve these issues.

Responses must be 250 – 300  words in length.

In your responses, you should address the following questions:

What do you like most about the draft? What has the writer done well?

What do you think are the weakest or least successful parts of the story? Why? Write specific suggestions to improve these issues.

Matters to consider when writing responses:

Plot

Characterization

Description

Dialogue

Setting

Point of view

Diction

Figurative language

Grammar, style, mechanics, etc.

“Minerva’s Rattle” Dear Jane Doe, First, I love your title. It reminded me of those old honor movies and caught my attention right away. It seemed to be a play on the word “rattle." The first meaning was obvious, as she is given a silver baby rattle at the baby shower. The second meaning was more subtle. I took it to mean a “death rattle," which fits with the ending of the story. The opening scene was brilliant. Having Minerva leave the nursery with a bloody baby rattle made me first suspect her as the killer. While not a straightforward, linear narrative, the story had several intriguing characters, none more interesting than “Butcher Baby." Your choice of a serial killer reincarnated as a killer baby was a brilliant twist I didn’t see coming. I also loved the character Willow because she keeps everyone’s secrets throughout the story but pays for it in the end. (Why did she have to die?) Also, your dialogue was spot on and the description of the nursery made me feel like I was actually in the nursery. (The red rubber bedsheets was an interesting choice.) Overall, I found this a fascinating story, filled with interesting characters and witty dialogue. If you intended to scare me away from babies, you succeeded. I did, however, have a few observations and questions. First, why didn’t Minerva say more about ending her relationship with Caesar? Perhaps you wanted to create some mystery, but in truth it confused me. I had to go back and read that part of the story three times to figure out exactly what happened. Maybe you could have Minerva say something about it in the scene where her and Caesar argue about the baby’s paternity. I also wanted to hear more about the killer’s past life. You should write a brief flashback to give the reader some backstory. This would help to better understand the baby’s motivations. In addition, I thought you wrote too much information on reincarnation. At times, I felt like I was reading a research paper not a story; all that information about reincarnation took me out of the narrative. I found myself skirnrning those paragraphs trying to get back to the narrative. Perhaps you could have the narrator explain a few things about reincarnation while relating the killer’s backstory. That way you can kill two birds with one stone. Finally, why did Minerva reject her baby after seeing him? This was never explained in the story. You describe Minerva as “loving" and “mothering" in the story, yet for no apparent reason, she rejects her newborn son. Did her intuition tell her that her son was the “Butcher Baby"? You could fill in this plot hole by simply showing why Minerva had such an aversion to her own child. I think you have the makings of a great story. I look forward to seeing the next draft. Best regards, Bookworm

“It’s a gloomy rainy morning, the last bus arrives at Beacher Hope High School, the school looks small but contains a large amount of students. from the front to the back students start to walk out into the school. Up until the last bus it was nearly empty, but there was a student in the back napping. The bus driver says 

 

“Tommy, wake up soon it’s time for another day in hell”. Tommy’s eyes start to open and he grabs his book bag, with his eyes squinting, rejecting the light of the sun. He then goes to the front where he tells the bus driver.

 

“Good morning to you too, thank you for waking me up.”  the bus driver chuckles

 

“Well, I can’t leave you sleeping here kid, don’t want you to waste another day with me and I don’t want another charge of possible kidnapping.” Tommy replies 

 

“Come on, you know I’m your favorite, I’m the only one that talks to you.” “Well see ya anyway.” the bus driver responds. Tommy then exits the bus, he stands on the sidewalk of the entrance of the school. He stretches, raising his arms and moves his hips, releasing a huge yawn. He looks at the top of the entrance of the school and at the bottom of the Beachers Hope High School sign quotes “Where hope can be received”. Tommy scoffs at the quote saying 

 

“More like where hope can be taken away”. Tommy walks into school, the school is in poor condition, as the style of the school has not changed in over 30 years.  Tommy walks in a different sort of way, when there are people around him trying to look relatable to his other classmates. The way he walks with his shoulders up, head high, and overall way he steps. Acting with high confidence but he knows all well that he fakes it. When he looks around as he walks and he is hoping if anyone would notice him. Tommy has a hard time with people, especially girls. He wants to show everyone that he is confident, even though he knows as he walks and looks at all the other students he says in his head

 

“I want to be like them, I want to be thin, tall and handsome. Why God, why do I always get the short end of the stick”. Tommy thinks himself as short, fat, and unattractive. He hates the fact that he is the only Arab in Beachers Hope, which is populated with the white, black, and latino community. As much as he describes himself as an outcast, he does have one friend that always stuck with him. Tommy proceeds to his usual spot in the morning where he and his best friend Austin sits. Austin is very intelligent, and is the top student in the school. He is quite a big fellow, so he is often bullied a lot for his weight since as he is the smartest in his grade he is one of the biggest. He is brutally honest and has a great personality but sometimes he can get under your skin, he only wants the best for himself trying to get into a great college. Even with him being so nice, Tommy is his only and best friend. They sit in the back corner of the cafetera, next to where the kitchen staff drops off their trash. It’s smelly, dark, and lonely, which is why Austin loves this area. 

 

“Last one here again T, napping on the bus again.” Austin says jokingly since Tommy is always late for anything, from not waking up in time for school, to being late in class. Austin calls Tommy (T) ever since they were kids because of how close they are together. Then Tommy Replies

 

“Better late than never, but you know me I prefer the never part of that sentence. What’s the point of school other than drama shows and American stereotypes? So how is your day?” Austin replies while looking at his phone. 

 

“Dude, I’m still trying to find the right location for our trip. We could spend the night at the woods near the creek or at Beachers Hope hill. We could make a tent and fire at either location and we can have some fun with games. Tommy replies confused

 

“Wait, hold on a minute, what trip?” Austin replies annoyed

 

“Dude, I’ve been planning this for the past week now, remember when we talked about last week.” Tommy replies

 

“I didn’t know you were serious, junior prom is only 1week away.” Austin scoffs at the response and replies jokingly 

 

“No I was serious, why would you even want to go, Prom. What a joke, what do you plan on doing, going by yourself.” Tommy replies 

 

“Actually, no I’m gonna ask Samantha”. Tommy then thinks about Samantha, imagining her in every way. From her height which is short to her waist being thin, and her laugh sounds so joyful and innocent. She is beautiful imagining her with her black hair with angel hair kiss tips. Overall being a genuine nice person who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Austin then looks at Tommy in awe and says

 

“Wow you finally are gonna ask her out other than school trips, you’ve liked her ever since 1st grade.” “I don’t even know why you like her. She doesn’t even talk to you that much anymore ” Tommy looks at Austin, and just stares at him. He is giving a serious face, he tries to not sob in front of Austin and just says 

 

“In fact, I may have a chance, because I asked one of her friends about if Sam is going with anyone and she said ‘Well she isn’t going at all if anyone asks her, almost every boy in our grade and even some of the seniors asked her, but she rejected every one of them. She rejected them because they showed no passion and only wanted her for her looks, kind of looking for a pure of heart type of thing.’ So I do have a chance, and I’m gonna ask her tomorrow”. Austin grieves with regret.

 

“I’m sorry T I didn’t know maybe that’s why you are my friend, you are the only one that’s put up with my arrogance, but hey what can I say I was born that way.” “So how are you gonna show her your passion for her?” “Any way I can help” Tommy replies

 

“It’s fine, actually you can help me, so my plan is to hold out signs of the letters of the word prom, and have some flowers near me and just overall surprise her.” Austin replies

 

“That is so corny, I love it, let’s do it.”

 

Tommy and Austin go through their day in school finishing up their classes, as Austin focuses during his classes, Tommy sleeps through a majority of his classes not giving a care in the world. After all of his classes were done he waited for Austin at his pre-college AP class. Once Austin left.

 

“Dude finally, I thought you would never leave.” Austin replies

 

“Well, I hate to break it to you, I’m staying tutoring for a few hours”. Tommy replies

 

“Why would you need tutoring? You could teach the teachers if you wanted to.” Austin replies

 

“Well I mean, I am tutoring some of the students here, they want to make a study group for our class, but I know they want me to do their homework”.

 

“Damn, I wanted you to come with me for the supplies and flowers, well alright I’ll see you tomorrow. Actually do you think you can ask three of them to help hold the signs in exchange to do their homework? Like I mean it’s light work for you.” Austin Replies 

 

“I mean sure, I’ll try my best, you know I’m not that great at talking to people other than you, but I’ll try”. 

 

Tommy then leaves but due to the time he wasted waiting for Austin, his bus starts to leave. Tommy then starts running for the bus yelling and waving his arms. He can’t run fast and far enough he starts to breathe hard since he is so out of shape. He then has a thought that he has to go to a store to get the supplies. As he walks to the store he starts to get a nice thought about him and Sam going to the prom in a fantasy fashion. He is wearing a nice black suit with no tie, Sam is wearing a glowing white dress and high heels. In his fantasy he imagines himself as tall, fit, and gorgeously handsome, almost too handsome. They exit a limo and are given cheers from their other fellow attending students. Both Tommy and Samantha look at each other and start to lean to each other for a kiss. As soon as they are about to kiss, Tommy starts thinking about his fears, his stunning image starts to deform back to his real self, he begins to shrink to a below average height, his waist and belly start to expand, and his face turns from a chisel chin to rounded. In his fantasy all his fellow students start to laugh at him, even sweet Samantha starts to laugh at him. Tommy is embarrassed and screams out of his fantasy saying

 

“NOOOOOOOOOOO”! Tommy then realizes he is in the store and just screamed in public. People are starting to look at him and are disturbed looking at him. Tommy sneaks away to the arts and craft section. He grabs 4 posters and a series of markers. He then goes to the florist and grabs blue lily’s, which is Sam’s favorite color. Tommy arrives at home and when he enters he notices that neither his mom and dad are at home. He doesn’t care, only thinking of getting the poster done and getting some proper sleep for the first time in two years. He finished the posters as all he had to do was write the letters of prom. 

 

He then goes to bed 8:30 pm on the spot, he then says

 

“Man, I sure hope this works, this could be my first step to dating Samantha,”

 

Tommy wakes up at 6 o’clock on the dot and is shocked seeing that he has over an hour to get ready. He first showers for the first time in 4 days, shaves his unibrow and 7 hairs on his chin, brushes his teeth, jells, and combs his hair. He wears his best clothes of a fake polo shirt and wrinkled khakis. He looks at himself in the mirror and says 

 

“If this works out for the best I’m gonna change my life, take care of my skin care, lose some weight and bathe constantly”.

 

He gathers his items and heads to the bus stop.  The bus driver stops and opens the door and sees Tommy and he can’t believe how Tommy looks.

 

“Good Morin…..” The bus driver stumbles with his words and begins to smile

 

“Tommy, oh my God.” “You look terrific, you look clean, wow, I can’t believe it.” Tommy smirks and enters the bus and says

 

“Thank you, I’m gonna surprise Samantha today and ask her for Prom.” The bus driver is livid and even hugs Tommy.

 

“There you go Tommy boy, finally joining society and doing something normal, I wish you the best, now sit your ass down, I got to get these other kids before I get another complaint.” Tommy laughs and says

 

“Yes Sir.” Tommy sits in the front row, excited and can’t wait to go to school. Which is a first for him, since he is never happy going to school. Tommy finally arrives at school and for the first time he steps out of the bus first and not last. The bus driver says

 

“Go get him, kid.” Tommy gives him a thumbs up. He then looks at the top of the entrance and sees the quote, and feels even more confident believing in himself even more. He enters the school and instead of his former fake confident walking he literally walks with confidence. Instead of looking at all the other students he just looks where he’s going to the cafeteria hoping to meet up with Austin. Austin is shocked at the way Tommy looks. He drops his phone, stands up and says

 

“Oh Tommy, you look fresh. Wow, your face looks clean, you don’t smell, you even got that caterpillar unibrow off.” Tommy then tells Austin the plan

 

“Okay so here is the plan, you and your tutor buddies are gonna hide behind the table, I’m gonna stay here with the flower behind me. I’m gonna text Sam to come over to my table, she is right over there near the vending machine with her friends and some guy friend. I’m gonna talk to her for a little and then I say I have one question for you, and that’s when you guys come in. Bam, that’s how it’s gonna go.” Austin then grabs the posters and goes over to get his tutor buddies to give out the signs and gets prepared. 

 

Tommy gets in position and takes a deep breath, he sees the friend who’s a guy and wonders why Sam is sitting next to one of the jocks of the football team. He is the main jock that bullies Austin but lets go of the thought.Tommy then reaches into his pocket and texts Sam to come over to his table. Tommy looks over at Sam’s table, waiting for her to read his message. Tommy gets excited as Sam reaches for her phone, and sees the message. Tommy sees that his message was read and stands strong and sucks his gut preparing to ask his dream girl. He sees Sam stand up but does not stand in the direction of Tommy and just looks at the guy sitting next to her and they start to kiss. 

 

Tommy’s excitement freezes and drifts away, his face transforms from having a happy smile to have a disappointed frown. He can’t believe it at first as he can’t even hold his emotions,  he tears up and just quietly and slowly says

 

“No, No, not like this, this was supposed to be my day”. The flowers he cared so much for, were released by his grip and fell behind him. Tommy then dashes away exiting the cafeteria and exiting the school. Austin lost his patience and just stood up with the other students. At first Austin was smiling but then turned confused, as he lost sight of Tommy. Sam then approaches the table and asks Austin confused 

 

“What is going on and where is Tommy?” Austin replies

 

“Wait you actually know my name, Mm that’s a weird feeling.” Austin couldn’t hold it in and just told her what was gonna happen.

 

“Okay, I can’t hold it in, Tommy was gonna ask you to go to prom with him.” Sam scoffs saying

 

“Well when you see him tell him no, and I have a boyfriend. I don’t even remember the last time we talked, I’m just surprised he still has my number.” Austin is shocked and asks Sam

 

“Wait, what about what you said, you were only going with someone with pure of heart and asked you with passion?” Sam replies

 

“Oh that, that was just a joke, I hoped I got someone, I’ve had a boyfriend for a while now, you think I would go with someone as short, fat, and as ugly as him. I was just friends with him for money and if I wanted something from the vending machine.” Austin’s face starts to super red as he angrily replies screaming.

 

“HEY YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO SOMEONE, YOU CAN’T PLAY WITH SOMEONE’S LIFE AND EMOTIONS LIKE THAT. YOU CALL HIM FAT AND UGLY, BUT IN REALITY YOU ARE THE UGLY ONE, YOU ARE FAT WITH GREED AND CAN’T BELIEVE YOU COULD DO  THIS TO SOMEONE LIKE T.” Austin turns away then turns back at her and says.

 

“HOW DARE YOU, HOW CAN YOU BE SO EVIL, HE LOVED YOU HE WORSHIPED AND YOU PLAYED HIM LIKE A FOOL, LIKE A DAMN FOOL.” Austin calms down and gives his final opinion.

 

” But no you are the fool, you are the one that lost something special, and now you are stuck with that steroid head. I hope you are happy” Austin grabs the dropped flowers and throws them in the trash, and with that confrontation, Sam then just says one word.

 

“Whatever” and walks back to the table and the jock asks

 

“What was that about” Sam replies

 

“Nothing, just some losers, let’s go to the first period.”

 

 

 

1 Year and 1 Week Later

 

It’s been over a year and Tommy has not been seen ever since the events that occurred in the cafeteria. No one knows what happened to him but it seems the only person that cares for Tommy is his best friend. Austin did his best trying to find Tommy during the last semester of Junior year, even failing his pre-college AP class he worked so hard for. Austin was saddened losing his best friend, but didn’t want to feel bad for himself and made a life changing decision. He decided to have bypass surgery to help him lose weight. All summer long he worked out, ate healthy and even made some unlikely gym friend’s who also had bypass surgery. 

 

It’s prom day and Austin decided to go to prom even though he thought it was stupid but his mom wants him to go at to one for memories. Austin arrives first and waits out of the entrance with his fellow students, he even brought some his gym friends to make him more comfortable. All of a sudden a limo pulled in front of the entrance. It’s Sam and her jock boyfriend, they act like superstars hearing small cheers from the students. All of a sudden the cheers get louder, Sam smiles but realizes the cheers are not for her. A Lamborghini Aventador with a license plate of “HOPE4LIF” pulls in, people are wondering who drives such an expensive car in Beachers Hope. Everyone is curious and filled with suspense. Then the driver comes out and everyone cheering goes silent as they can’t tell who it is. The driver is wearing a very expensive suit, watch and shoes, even his glasses are more expensive than the limo service that Sam got. Even with his glasses on everyone can tell he is handsome, he is very fit with a thin waist and big muscles. A random girl shouts 

 

“Who are you?” The driver takes off his glasses and everyone gasps. It’s Tommy, the missing Junior from last year. Sam is shocked at the foriegn look of Tommy and never had a thought of seeing him again. Everyone stares at him as he goes into the passenger door and he opens the door. A beautiful Arabian woman comes out, everyone’s jaws drop at her beauty and no one would ever think the Tommy they knew would ever have someone so beautiful. Tommy proceeds to walk his date up to the entrance. Sam decides to speak to Tommy

 

“Hi Tomm…..” Tommy just ignores her and passes her, not giving her any attention at all. He walks straight up to Austin and just smiles. Austin is in shock too, tearing up and sobbingly says

 

“Wow the last one again, you are always late.” Tommy replies

 

“Better late than never, but this time I think I prefer to be late this time, did you ever think I would get this reaction?” Both Tommy and Austin hysterically laugh together and walk inside the building. Just before they enter Sam walks up to Tommy, taps him on the shoulder, she is just digesting at the way she looks and feels regret on what she had done to Tommy, she says

 

“Wow Tommy, you look amazing, you look so” Sam stumbles her words as she looks at him.

 

“You look so, so, so buff. You know I was just gonna break up with my boyfriend, he’s a jerk anyway.” Tommy looks at Sam in pity and sees the irony of his journey and says to her 

 

“You know Sam I worshiped you, I would have done anything to you, and you know what you made that choice and this is what your journey has done to you. I also made a choice, a choice for change, I left the country and I went back to my beautiful country of Jordan. I struggled at first, but I decided to be better for myself, I worked out, I’ve worked with really important people and stepped my life up a level higher than a teenage high schooler. I’m a millionaire, I found the love of my life who is holding my arm right now, and she is better than you than I could imagine.” Tommy then looks at his girl, gives her a kiss and looks at Sam. Seeing himself over a year ago, knowing how she feels, what she is thinking but he returned the favor. Tommy gives one last comment to Sam.

 

“I’m sorry Sam, you’ve made your choice when it comes to me and you it was not meant to be.” Sam, mortified of the situation she is in,she turns to her boyfriend and he is gone with one of the girls that went by themselves after hearing she was gonna break up with him. Sam then screams

 

“NOOOO” and then starts to cry, Tommy feels bad for her but decides to look away and enjoy his first and last prom. With his best friend, a girl he loves, and with more confidence he had ever before Tommy discovered something. Tommy finally found hope he was looking for in Beachers Hope, he wasn’t expecting a journey like this but hope works in different ways. “

Collepals.com Plagiarism Free Papers

Are you looking for custom essay writing service or even dissertation writing services? Just request for our write my paper service, and we'll match you with the best essay writer in your subject! With an exceptional team of professional academic experts in a wide range of subjects, we can guarantee you an unrivaled quality of custom-written papers.

Get ZERO PLAGIARISM, HUMAN WRITTEN ESSAYS

Why Hire Collepals.com writers to do your paper?

Quality- We are experienced and have access to ample research materials.

We write plagiarism Free Content

Confidential- We never share or sell your personal information to third parties.

Support-Chat with us today! We are always waiting to answer all your questions.